Love Never Dies
by Paisley Mae
Summary: MerDer / Post S10 Finale: Meredith and Derek are faced with a life-changing dilemma.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Due to a lack in post-S10 finale MerDer fics, I was motivated to write this. I'm very anxious for the impending storyline that faces my OTP in season 11, so I'm eager to explore the possibilities. Let me know if you think this should be continued! There will be angst, but I think the title of this fic says it all. **

* * *

"_I am simply saying: I am not going anywhere. I am staying here." _

He gazes sharply at her as he tries to digest the words he has just heard. Her blue-ish green eyes are glistening as the dim light shines on them. He knows her well enough to know she's fighting back tears.

Liquid fills his skin pores. Cold sweat drips from his forehead. His heart muscle is pounding erratically against his thoracic wall. He clenches his fist firmly while blood gushes through his veins. His stomach drops, and he feels a nauseating feeling in the pit of his gut. He can't believe what she's saying. It physically brings him pain.

Their eyes lock together. He can tell she's emotionally hurting inside. He's struggling to understand this sudden outburst. He doesn't understand where this is all coming from. Earlier, she seemed fine with their move to D.C. Now this. It's been weeks since he told her about his new job in Washington D.C. _Weeks_. She's had weeks to tell him how she felt. Yet, this is the first he's hearing all this. Why now? He's at a loss for answers.

"Why now?" he asks his wife, lowering his voice. They've been yelling for long enough, and he'd just gotten the kids down. The last thing he wants to do is to wake them up. "Why didn't you tell me how you feel weeks ago? Why did you wait until the night before I need to have the house papers signed?"

She glares furiously at him. "You never even asked my opinion," she spits harshly, not lowering her voice one bit. "You continuously talked about how amazing Washington D.C. is, and how much I'm gonna love it. You just assumed I was on board, Derek. Don't put this on me. If you'd taken one moment to look at me, you would have seen I wasn't happy. Honestly, Derek? Ever since you've taken this job, it's been D.C. this and the president that. It's _all _you talk about."

"That's not true!" Derek protests. He knows he's been putting a lot of time and effort into his work, but he thinks she's over-exaggerating. It's been a year busy for them both, as they'd just welcomed a new baby into their lives, and they were both very career-driven individuals. He knows he broke a promise to her, but you don't pass up an opportunity to work with the president. No man in his right mind does that. He knows Meredith knows that. They have already had this conversation so many times. "It feels like we're going in circles now. You hate my job. You've been _so _adamant about that since I accepted the position. If the tables were reversed -"

"If the tables were reversed, we wouldn't be having this conversation, because we would both be established in our careers, Derek! The tables can never be reversed. You were already an established neurosurgeon when we met," she says hastily.

"That's not my fault!" he shoots.

"I didn't say it was! I'm simply stating the facts!" she retorts; she crosses her arms and glares heavily into his eyes. His eyes sink. He doesn't know what to tell her. There's nothing he can tell her. She's hard-headed, always has been, but he's never known her to be this selfish.

"The Meredith Grey I fell in love with didn't only think about herself," he says coolly. "The Meredith Grey that _I _fell in love with cared about other people more than herself. She was willing to stick her hand in a body cavity to save lives. She was willing to stand in front of a gunman for me."

"Well, that Meredith Grey is gone," Meredith says flatly. "It's a dog-eat-dog world, Derek, and I have to do what's best for me if I'm going to succeed."

A loud, screeching scream comes from their son's room.

"Look what you've done," he spits. "I _just _got them down."

"Oh, and it's all my fault, right? Everything is my fault, isn't it? After all, I was the only one yelling," she yells dramatically, cringing as she raises her arms above her head to emphasize her annoyance.

"I was at least trying to keep my voice low," he says hastily. "You were just thinking about yourself."

"Because I'm a cool, selfish bitch!" she shoots. Now she's putting words in his mouth. He hates when she does that. Instead of worsening the situation, he scoffs and walks toward his son's room without looking back.

* * *

Meredith is livid. Anger permeates her entire body; blood soars through her veins rapidly. She clamps her fists together tightly. She's so infuriated that she feels like she can pull her hair out. Did her husband just tell her that she wasn't the woman he fell in love with? She's fighting tears. She knows she's being selfish, but in all fairness, she believes she has every right to be selfish.

Her heart throbs with a dull, deceptive ache. Her love for Derek is unreasonably painful. She realizes this is potentially the largest, most real-feeling fight. There was the Alzheimer's trial ordeal - she thought she would lose Derek forever, that he would never forgive her. Not even _that _was this painful, though. She knows this isn't about something either of them _did_. This is about their careers. It's something _normal_ couples face on a regular basis.

Meredith knows it's not Derek's fault that he's much farther in his career than she. She knew this from the beginning. However, it isn't something that once crossed her mind as something that could cause them conflict later on. It was a definitive from the beginning. Why does it bother her so much now?

Though, Meredith Grey isn't the same person she was then. Derek's right. She's not the same Meredith he fell in love with. That Meredith was a weak, puppy dog, who was flabbergasted by the fact a sexy, hot neuro god was interested in her. Meredith had never once thought of her as anything extraordinary. She considered herself to have average looks. She wasn't the type of girl the jocks even gave a second look to. Suddenly, she had a hot neurosurgeon jock chasing her, and she couldn't help but fall in love.

Derek had changed her: In some ways, for the good, and in some ways, for the very bad. Before Derek, Meredith didn't believe in love. She was very strong-willed in her ways. She lived life independently, and her only sex partners were one-night stands. She'd never been in a committed monogamous relationship, ever.

Derek helped her to believe in love. Though, she realizes now that love makes a person do stupid, _stupid _things. She allowed him to change her. She allowed him to control her. In some way, she felt like his puppy dog.

For starters: the house they live in. It is gorgeous, but it isn't _her _dream house. It is Derek's. Meredith would have been happy living in her mother's old house, better known as the frat house, for the rest of her life. She misses having roommates over the age of three.

Their family: Meredith will never take back her children for the world. She sees so much of herself in both Bailey and Zola, even though Zola wasn't hers genetically. Zola, at three years old, is already starting to ramble like she does. And Bailey is a splitting image of Meredith when she was a baby. Meredith loves her kids, but she'd first only wanted a family because she knew Derek would never be complete without one. She loves children, but she truly never imagined that she was cut out for motherhood. She still has her doubts.

Her career: She is a general surgeon only because she'd left neuro because she couldn't work with Derek. Truthfully, she loved neuro, and there isn't a day she doesn't miss clipping brain aneurysms and cutting out intracranial teratomas. She had worked on a couple neurosurgeries in the past few months, and now she really realizes how much she misses it. But she knows she can never go back to neuro. She will just be in Derek's shadow again, if she does. In some ways, she feels like she's already living in her mother's shadow in general, and that's a factor into why she cannot succeed. General isn't her passion, though. It never has been. It never will be. She feels screwed.

Derek thinks his career is more important than hers. He expects her to give up hers and move across the country just because he's more advanced in his career. The old Meredith, who gave up everything for Derek, would have gladly obliged without a second thought.

_He's not the sun. You are. _

Cristina's final words continue to ring in her head.

"Momma?" she hears a tiny voice behind her. She turns around and sees her daughter standing before her. The little girl rubs her eyeballs. She looks sad.

"Zozo, what are you doing up?" she asks her little girl.

"I heared you and Daddy yelling," she sticks her little lip out, fear plasters her tiny face. "Are you broking up like Sofi's Mommies did?"

Meredith's heart sinks, saddened by the fact Zola actually remembers Callie and Arizona's fight last fall.

"No, baby. Your daddy and I just had a fight," she tells her little girl, leaning over to pick her up, then she carries Zola to her bedroom.

* * *

Derek cradles his son in his arms, rocking him back and forth in his rocking chair. His eyes are heavy, and he knows he should be asleep now. He's been traveling back and forth to D.C. numerous times over the past month, so his internal clock is all screwed up. The three hour time difference is killing him.

He peers into Bailey's deep blue eyes. They're his eyes, but everything else about the little guy screams Meredith. His forehead, his smile, his nose, his little dimples: All Meredith. He was Meredith's son. Even his gestures mimic Meredith. The way his face lights up when he is excited. The cute little hand thing he does. Even his laugh. He is his mother's son.

Derek has noticed his son transforming into his mother even more so in recent months, and he knows he was partially to blame for this. Derek had been Bailey's primary caregiver during the first few months of his life. He'd stepped back and taken care of the kids, but now that he's taken on this new job, Meredith is with the kids more than he is. Though, Derek doesn't think it's a bad thing that Bailey is picking up his mother's gestures. In fact, he thinks it's quite adorable.

"Your mommy's an amazing woman," he tells Bailey. "You're lucky to have her. She'll never know how much I love her. She's my hero."

Bailey coos. "Mama," he says.

"Now, I know one day you're going to grow up, and you're going to be a teenager. One day, you're going to fight with your mom just like I did, and you might even call her some names. But you know what? You're not going to mean it, and then you'll tell her you're sorry later, right?"

"Baloooooga," Bailey coos then yawns.

"Balooga is right," Derek sighs, not even sure what balooga means, but if it has anything to do with the buffoon he feels like right now, he decides it's right. "Now, you need to go to sleepy, okay? Daddy needs to be on a plane tomorrow morning, so he needs to get some sleep too."

Bailey puts his thumb in his mouth and slobbers all over his fingers. Derek starts to hum the Barney tune _I Love You_. Bailey's eyes drift shut. Derek continues to rock him, just to make sure he is actually asleep before placing him back in his crib.

He tiptoes out of the nursery. Anxiously, he looks in the living room to find it empty. Perhaps Meredith has gone to sleep? He walks lightly down the hallway to his daughter's room, to make sure she is also sleep. Then he hears a low voice talking.

"You know, I love your Daddy very much, Zozo," he hears Meredith's voice; it is soft and a little raspy, like it is when she was fighting back tears. "Sometimes grown-ups fight, but I can promise you, your daddy and I will never leave each other. We might not always be together, and sometimes your daddy might be working far away, but your daddy will always come back. He loves us all very much."

Derek's heart fills with warmth as he overhears Meredith talking to their daughter. He smiles, tiptoeing away from the room, not wanting his wife to know he has overheard her words.

* * *

Meredith lies on her side on top of Zola's twin bed. She looks down at her daughter's face and sees Zola's eyes are closed. She's asleep. Meredith exhales a deep breath as she carefully slides off the bed, making sure not to wake up the little girl. She tiptoes out of the room and enters the living room, where she finds Derek lying on the couch.

"What are you doing?" she whispers hoarsely.

"Well, I figured you'd want the bed," Derek insists. A smile breaks her lips. He actually thinks she's kicking him out of the bed.

She takes a seat next to him on the couch. "You can sleep in the bed, I mean, unless you really don't want to sleep next to me," she says. She looks at him then carefully sets her palm on his hand.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Amelia enters. Derek instantly whispers, "Shhhh" as his sister walks through the door.

"I know, I know," Amelia whispers. "The kids are asleep. I've been here over a month now, I know the drill." She studies her brother and sister-in-law, raising her eyebrows. "You two look beat. Everything okay?"

Derek shakes his head. "I'm going to turn in," he says; Meredith notices the quick glance he shoots at her before leaving the living room. Meredith watches him walk toward the bedroom; her heart sinks.

"Mer, is everything…?" Amelia starts to ask, but Meredith cuts her off.

"You know, it's late. I'm going to hit the sack too," she says. She follows after Derek without a second thought. When she enters the bedroom, Derek has already taken off his shirt and is laying in bed.

"I don't want to fight any more tonight, Meredith," he says. "My sister's here now. It's bad enough our kids have heard us bickering. I'm done, Meredith. I need to sleep."

"I don't want to fight any more, either," she says adamantly, sitting down on the bed. Derek's faint, tired blue eyes stare down at her. She swallows, not sure what to say. "I don't know what to say to make this right. I don't think there is a way to make this right, but we have to get through this."

"Now you're trying to fix things?" he asks. "You're the one who started this, Meredith. You created this battle."

"That's not fair," she says. He sits on the bed next to her and stretches his legs on the bed, leaning on his pillow. "We're a partnership, Derek. Marriage is a team sport. We're in this together." She swallows, then she notices he's looking intently at her.

He grabs her hand and intertwines his fingers with hers. "I know," he says softly.

"We'll get through this, Derek," she says. "We've made it this far. This is just a new obstacle we have to face. It's how we grow."

He kisses her fingers. "I love you, Meredith," he says softly. "You know that, right?" She sees his eyes are glossy with tears, and she feels a tear forming in her own. She nods.

She leans in to kiss him. "I love you too."

"I'll never stop loving you, Meredith. True love never dies," he whispers in her ear and his hot breath presses against her eardrum. Those are the exact words she needed to hear.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for the wonderful feedback! As I'm writing this, I'm really starting to understand both POVs. At first, I could only see Mer's POV, but now I'm starting to see Derek's too. Generally, I write from Mer's POV, so this is definitely different territory for me. This is one story where I do feel it's necessary for both POVs to be explored fully; otherwise it's too one-sided - which I don't want. Also, I understand that much of this is controversial, so I welcome feedback. I'm also trying to incorporate various discussions I've read on Twitter and various fan sites, so if you have something that you think should be discussed/brought up, do share with me. I do have a potential solution in mind, but I'm not sure it's the best solution. In fact, I'm not sure there is a best solution, which is what makes this storyline so tricky. The important thing is that MerDer make it through this TOGETHER and come out stronger.**

* * *

Derek lies on his side, resting his head on one hand and resting his other hand atop a sound asleep Meredith. He can't sleep. His eyes burn, and he longs for sleep, but he can't. He lies awake listening to Meredith's loud snores. They're not what are keeping him awake. He learned to sleep through her snores a long time ago. In fact, he grew used to falling asleep to the sound of her snores. When he's away, he can't sleep without them.

He keeps glancing at the clock. The time is slowly ticking closer and closer to the moment his alarm will go off, signaling he needs to get ready to go to the airport. He realizes he's not going to get a moment's sleep tonight. At least he has a five hour plane ride to sleep on.

His mind wanders as he gently moves his hand down her smooth curves, careful not to wake her. He thinks about how perfect her body is. He realizes she's even more beautiful now than ever before. Pregnancy has transformed her body perfectly. She now has curvy hips; her breasts are larger; and her face has filled out. He has always thought she was beautiful, but now he thinks she's a goddess.

He doesn't know what he's going to do. He's already accepted the new job. Who in his right mind says no to such an extraordinary opportunity? He'd tried at first, which he'd never even told Meredith. He knew it would upset her, and he honestly wanted to keep his promise to her. That was all before the president called, though.

He realizes he never asked Meredith's thoughts on the situation. Well, he knew she wasn't happy about the initial offer. He knew she wouldn't be; she saw it as him breaking a promise to her. He had promised her that he would step back so she could make this year count. It was honestly his full intention at the time. He had good intentions. At the time, he certainly did not expect his research to obtain attention from the President of the United States himself. That like never happened. What were the chances of a neurosurgeon himself getting attention from the _President _of the United States? It just didn't happen, realistically speaking.

But it had, and of course he'd had no choice but to say yes. Hunt had pushed him, and Derek soon realized Owen was right. He couldn't say no. Plus, it was such a prestigious honor. How could he say no?

He understands why Meredith was upset at first, but now he's confused. He thought she would be happy to move on, to get out of Seattle, to start over. Cristina and Alex are moving on with their lives, so he thought she would finally be open to move on too. She had no ties to Seattle, really, other than Richard. Lexie is dead. She seldom talks to her father, even though they're apparently on good terms. She hasn't gone to see him since Lexie's funeral, though. She never talks about Lexie. He assumes it's too painful for her. For most of her life, she didn't even know she had _one_ sister, and then she learned she had two. Molly lives a distance away with her husband and daughter. Meredith's never reached out to her. After Lexie died, Molly tried to get in contact with her, but Meredith pushed her away.

Derek doesn't understand Meredith's reasoning for wanting to stay in Seattle at this point. She never had a strong relationship with her mother. In fact, she still resents her to this date, and she's very vocal about it. Ellis Grey is the reason Meredith doesn't believe in herself. Ellis spent years tearing Meredith down, telling her she wasn't any good. Ellis died in Seattle, at the very same hospital that now bears the Grey name.

The same hospital that bears Mark Sloan's name. _Why'd you have to come to Seattle, Mark? _Derek thinks, realizing if Mark had just stayed in New York where he belonged, that he might very well still be alive now. It saddens Derek. Mark was his best friend, his brother, his rock. Without Mark, Derek often feels like a piece of him is missing.

He was infuriated when Mark showed up in Seattle. It was to be expected that he would be. How was he supposed to forget that he'd walked in on _his best friend _with his wife? He'd come to Seattle to get away, for a fresh breath of air, and that's exactly what he'd gotten: Until his life followed him here.

And then it hits him: Is that what he's looking for in D.C.? Seattle harbors so many harrowing memories for Derek now. It's where he was shot, like his father. It's where he got a tiny plane that crashed into a ground. It's where he said goodbye to Mark forever.

He couldn't have known that any of that would happen when he drove into town that rainy day after driving across the whole country. He couldn't have known. Just like he didn't know that he would fall in love. Seattle is where he got his breath of fresh air. It's where he met Meredith. It's where he found true love. It's where he found his daughter. It's where his son was born. So many _good _things have happened here too.

Though, he wants to put behind the bad things and bring the good with him. Meredith, Zola, and Bailey are the only good things, as far as he's concerned, that have come out of his time in Seattle. Seattle isn't his home. To him, home is wherever his wife and kids are. Home can be anywhere.

But for Meredith, home is Seattle. He doesn't understand it. She was born here, but she wasn't raised in Seattle. She didn't talk about her childhood often, but he knew that her mother had taken her to Boston when she was young. She'd actually spent a good portion of her childhood on the east coast, and she'd gone to college there. It wasn't clear to him at what point Ellis returned to Seattle, but the point was, Meredith hadn't always lived in Seattle.

Derek couldn't wrap his mind around Meredith's logic. He understands partially why she doesn't want him to help her build her career, though he still thinks it's silly. Meredith isn't her father or her mother. She's much more brilliant than her father. Derek doesn't know Thatcher well, although he gathered from the little time he spent with Thatch that he isn't the brightest fish in the sea. And she's far more empathetic and caring than her mother. She says she's not anymore, but he's not buying it. The Meredith he fell in love with still exists deep down. He knows she would still take a bullet for him without a second thought.

He thinks she's confused, and maybe a little hurt inside. Many people had big years this year. In fact, in her eyes, everyone did but her. Cristina had a huge year. She did what Meredith failed to do: She 3-D printed a successful conduit and saved a baby's life. He and Callie had measurable success on their research project, and Derek had obtained recognition from Washington D.C. Alex was approached by a private practice. Everyone's lives are shaping successfully, and Meredith feels like she's at a standstill.

He knows she doesn't want his help. She's hard-headed and stubborn. She wants to do figure it out for herself. He wishes she'd open her eyes and realize: It's not always about _what _you know. It's about _who _you know. After all, it's not like he chose then-Seattle Grace Hospital at random. He called Richard after the affair and told him he was looking for a job. Richard suggested he come to Seattle, and then promised him he could one day be chief. He accepted Richard's help, and honestly, it's why he's here today.

Now, he is not Chief of Surgery. He thought that was his dream, but as it worked out, his dream isn't what he thought it was.

His dream was initially to cure Alzheimer's, and with brain mapping, he can do just that. He can not only find a cure for Alzheimer's, but he can also find a cure for hundreds of other neuro disorders. Brain mapping is his dream: his passion. He didn't realize this on his own, though. He realized it with the help of the people around him; through Richard, through Callie and even Owen, who pushed him to do this project in the first place. It took finding out what he _didn't _like, though, to help him find it. It's taken him a long time to find his passion, so he can't give it up now. Meredith can't just expect to wake up one day and find it. She can't skip steps. Finding success in the medial field is a process: a long process. It took him years to get to where he is now. She's a young surgeon, and she still has a long road ahead of her. He gets that, though he's not sure she does.

Meredith needs to realize that he can help her. She also needs to find _her _passion, if she truly wants to stand on her own ground. Though, she needs to be willing to accept help, which he can give her. If only she will let him. Honestly, he thinks D.C. could do wonders for her._ If only she'll open her eyes_, he thinks.

* * *

Meredith's eyes spring wide open in the middle of a snore. She's become conscious of her snoring now, thanks to Derek. She shifts her body to her other side, where she finds Derek staring at her.

"Were you watching me sleep?" she mumbles. He smiles weakly and nods. She gazes into his cumbersome blue eyes. Her heart melts as she remembers the fight. She folds her fingers with his rested fingers on her hip and exhales slowly. He's still intently watching her, and she watches him back, and without a second thought she leans into him and fills his mouth with a full-mouth kiss. His warm lips press onto hers as she feels him kiss her back. She rolls her tongue in his mouth and their tongues touch, and she moans heavily into his mouth.

She rolls on top of him and straddles him. She rotates her arm and grabs onto his other hand. She leans her body over him and smiles devilishly down upon him. It's been ages since they've woken up for middle-of-the-night sex. It used to be an every night occurrence during the infant days of their relationship.

Her nails dig into his strong, bare arms and she delves her teeth into his neck, a pleasurable moan escapes her lips into his collar bone. Passionate fire shoots through her nerve endings as her heart rate quickens. She's thinking about all the dirty things she can do to him.

He runs his fingers through her messy bed hair. He's smiling dreamily up at her. _He's very dreamy_, she hears Cristina's voice in her frazzled head. Her breathing quickens as she pulls her pajama shirt off. _ But he's not the sun. _She lowers her body and unbuttons his pajama pants. She's panting as she wraps her hand around his member for just a moment. She moves her hands up his waist, under his arms, and then tightly handcuffs his wrists with her hands. She digs her nails into his skin as she inserts him inside her. A lightning shock shoots up her spine as she begins to move her hips.

She starts slow, but soon she finds herself in a much quicker rhythm than she's used to. Her head is spinning; she pants harder as she moves her hips faster and faster and faster. Her hip muscles tighten. She clenches onto his wrists with an unruly amount of force, feeling like she might break his wrist bone. She doesn't care at this point.

She pumps faster, feeling the tension build in her body. She's letting her rage surge. As she pumps, she thinks about how her husband _thinks _he is God. He thinks that he says "_Do" _and she will "_Do_." He thinks that she should submit to his will. He thinks that he can accept a new job across the country and not even consult her first. She's just supposed to nod her head and say, "Yes, honey."

She has news for him. It's not 1950 anymore; it's 2014. Women have a voice. She has a right to voice _her _opinion without told she's selfish. Because, frankly, he is being just as selfish. She understands he wants his family close by, but he never once asked how she felt about Washington D.C. He just assumed she is okay with it.

She's not and never was; she just didn't want to fight with Derek. She still doesn't, but she needs to stand on her own two feet. She doesn't need a _man _telling her what she can and cannot do.

A series of moans escape her lips. Pleasure tingles throughout her body as she feels her climax approaching. "So close," she pants, and without thinking, she slaps Derek across the face, which just happens to turn her on even more, nearly sending her over the edge. She does it again, and Derek just lies there and takes it.

"I'm sorry," she moans, caving her fingernails into his forearm.

"It's okay," he pants, "Just let it out, Meredith. Let it out."

* * *

It doesn't take half a brain for Derek to figure out this isn't love making. This, he knows, is angry sex. They have had it before, but never this intense. She has never slapped him before during sex. Surprisingly, he finds it incredibly hot. He wants her to slap her again, but he will not slap back. She's so tiny, and while he knows she's not weak - he can tell this by her quite powerful slaps - he does not know his own power, and he cannot bear to hurt her, no matter how mad he is at her.

"Take it out, Mer, take it out," he pants, and he demands, "Hit me." She looks surprised by his demand, her eyes widen, and she does as he commands. She slaps his shoulder and then his face again - this time harder, with more force. Derek feels his face tingling achingly, but he's so, so turned on. He's so close. A moan escapes his lips.

He feels her grip tighten on him. His butt muscles tense; he grasps her butt and can feel her muscles tightening as the tension has risen to its peak and they climax together. She collapses on top of him.

"I'm sorry," she whispers softly; he feels his chest dampen. He realizes she's crying.

* * *

_Crying after sex. Great_, Meredith thinks, remembering the last time she burst into tears during sex. At least it wasn't in the middle of sex. She thinks of George. Poor George. It was terrible, a terrible thing she did to George. But she isn't crying because the sex was bad. The sex was great. It was the best sex she'd had in a long time. And that's just the thing. She feels horrible. God awful.

"Did I hurt you?" she whispers; it's dark, but the start of the sunrise shines in their bedroom so there's enough light to see Derek's face clearly. She can see red marks across his face. She grabs his wrists and sees the scratch marks she's dug into his skin. "God, Derek, I'm so sorry."

"Shhh," Derek whispers. "It's fine. I probably deserve it."

She glances at the clock. It's almost five in the morning. She knows that means Derek needs to get up soon to catch his plane.

Meredith shakes her head. "If the president sees all these marks on you, he might think you were in a brawl and he might fire you." She can only hope. No, truthfully, she doesn't want Derek to be fired. She doesn't want him to quit his job. After all, she can tell he's truly passionate about this project, and he will resent her if he quits. She doesn't plan to ask him to quit for her.

Derek laughs. "Or he'll think I had hot goodbye sex with my wife before I left." He leans forward to kiss her. "You didn't hurt me. In fact, I liked it."

"You liked being slapped?" she laughs; she is surprised by his response. She doesn't feel so guilty any more.

"It was rather hot," he admits. "You can slap me any time you want, okay?" Derek laughs, running his fingers through her hair.

She shrugs. "Well, you did need a good slapping."

"It's good to release the tension," he says. "We both needed it, I think."

"You can slap me back, you know," she tells him.

"A good guy never hits a woman," Derek tells her. "They call that domestic abuse."

"It's not domestic abuse if I give you permission," Meredith says flatly, and she raises an eyebrow, realizing what he really means. He thinks she's weak. "You think I can't handle you." She promiscuously raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, you think you can handle me?" Derek chuckles, and he lifts her off him and pins her to the bed. He smiles, looking down on her as he pins her down with his large, strong hands. She is his prisoner.

He enters her without warning and begins thrusting fiercely. He's thrusting harder and faster than he's ever thrust inside her. Her head is spinning; she closes her eyes and a loud moan escapes her lips.

"Shhh," he whispers, his thrusts slow down for a moment as he bends down to kiss her lips; she moans into his mouth, and then he begins thrusting in full force.

"Slap me," she pants. "Do it, Derek! DO IT!"

* * *

He's panting fiercely as he thrusts faster than he's ever thrust before. He hears her demanding that he slap her. He clenches onto his wrists. He looks into her eyes. He blinks several times; his head is buzzing in euphoria. She's so beautiful when she's giving him demands. But he can't. He can't bring himself to lay a hand on her.

His heart is pounding fiercely against his chest wall when all of a sudden, the alarm sounds. _Saved by the alarm_, he thinks, collapsing beside Meredith and reaching over to shut the alarm off. He sighs, relieved. He gently rests a hand on Meredith and sees disappointment riding all over her face.

"Why?" she mouths. "Why won't you do it?"

"I can't," he says. "I can't hit you, Meredith. You can hit me all you want, whenever you want, but I cannot and will not lay a hand on you."

She rolls her eyes and finally sighs.

He stretches his legs and looks at the ceiling. He doesn't know what to do. He knows he should get out of bed to get ready to go to the airport, but he can't budge. He swallows, and lays on his side toward Meredith. He sees her gazing at him.

"Well, are you gonna go?" she mouths; she turns over on her side, facing away from him, as she waits for his answer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Friendly Reminder:**** This is a work of **_**fiction**_**, which means it is all subjective. You don't have to agree with what I write. However, I would prefer **_**not **_**to receive personal attacks telling me I'm "mentally ill." Although, I do thank those of you who have reviewed with constructive feedback. This story is derived from a mixture of my personal experiences and the experiences of those around me. I actually have a colleague who's dealing with a very similar situation. Also, some of Meredith's opinions about D.C. addressed in this chapter are actually my personal views, as I was there not too long ago. I do think they're relevant, though.**

* * *

She doesn't know why she's asked the question. _Stupid, stupid, stupid, _she thinks. She always knows the answer. Of course Derek is leaving. She stares at the dresser. Her head throbs tiresomely. She clasps her hand over her mouth; her hot breath presses against her hand. Derek doesn't say anything. She can still feel him next to her, though. He doesn't budge. She finds herself staring at the tumor drawing on the wall, above the dresser.

_She was recuperating after donating part of her liver to her drunken dad. She'd had one hell of a boring day, so she was thrilled to see Derek walk through the door. She told her about his boring day, and he proceeded to entertain her with his day in the O.R. Her interest was instantly spiked. She was, after all, a surgery junkie. And then, out of the blue, he flipped the bed around and started mapping the tumor out on the wall for her. She was in shock at first, but instantly engrossed and ready to learn. If she couldn't be in the O.R., watching her husband map out a brain on their wall was the next best thing._

Meredith recalls the history behind the tumor on the wall. She remembers it wasn't long after their post-it note wedding. She remembers that the blue post-it note vows hung above the drawing for a long time. Now, the post-it note was above their bed.

_To love each other when we hate each other…_

_No running…_

Meredith swallows. "Derek?" she whispers. She gently touches his arm with her hand. He doesn't move. "Derek?"

"Meredith," he finally says.

"Derek, you need to get going," she says, turning around. She glances at the clock. Thirty minutes have passed. If he's going to get to the airport with enough time to spare, he needs to leave soon. "Derek?"

"Come with me," he whispers pleadingly. "Please."

"We don't have time to talk about this now," Meredith responds nonchalantly. "You have a plane to catch, and I need to stay here with the kids."

"Washington D.C. is a rich city, Meredith, full of resources that aren't available here. Sure, you can do your portal vein research here, but in D.C., you'll have access to some of the country's finest libraries and research labs. Grey Sloan is already struggling to fund the projects they have. D.C. is full of possibilities and richness. You won't have to worry about your research getting cut."

_D.C. isn't Seattle. _Two weeks ago, Derek took her out to D.C. with him while Amelia took care of the kids. It wasn't her first visit to the nation's capital. She'd gone there a couple times during college. She's been to several of the Smithsonian museums. Her favorite is the Natural History Museum. She enjoyed looking at all the artifacts presented throughout the museum, and she found the Genome Zone to be a great exhibit. She would love to take Zola and Bailey there when they're a little older. She thinks they'll have fun making DNA.

Washington D.C. is a beautiful city full of rich history and opportunities for researchers. She knows Derek is right about that. It's a phenomenal city to _visit_. It's a great place to take middle and high school students as well, but it's not a place she wants to raise her children, especially when they're so young. It's a city that relies heavily on public transportation. She can't imagine owning a car in D.C., even though she loves to drive. Parking is hard so sparing, and ridiculously expensive. People walk _everywhere_, and it's considered the status norm to walk around in a suit. Meredith finds it almost intimidating, and certainly not welcoming. Life is fast-paced; everyone's _always _on their cell phones - it's considered 'normal' to walk the street and talk to yourself. When you're in line at a restaurant, you can't tell if the person behind you is talking _to _you, or to their Bluetooth. It can happen anywhere, but it's even more frequent in D.C. The world is changing; it's a fast-paced world, but D.C. is in a class of its own.

"Derek, this is not only about my research," she says.

"You want us to be level in our careers," Derek replies. "That was a huge part of your argument last night. You don't want to be in my shadow, so you want to stand on your own two feet, right? Mer, I know this was a tough year for you. Everyone around you was seeing success with their projects, and yours is at a standstill. Isn't that what this is about?"

She clenches her fists together. She hates that he's pointing out her failures, even though she knows they're true. This year, she's envied everyone. Meredith Grey never considered herself to be an overly jealous person. But this year, she seethed with jealousy. She wanted to be the supportive, cheering squad for her friends and husband, but it is not easy, especially when you continue to fail over _and _over.

Derek goes on when she doesn't say anything, "Meredith, I didn't get to where I am on my own. I had the help of a lot of people. I came to Seattle because I knew Richard, and he offered me the job. It takes a village. You need to learn to accept outside help."

"I know how to accept help," she responds adamantly. "That's why I hired a research assistant."

"Meredith, I mean, you need to learn to accept help from those who are already successful individuals."

"Like you?" she rolls her eyes. He can be so arrogant at times, and it infuriates her. Her heart is pounding; she's trying to control herself so she doesn't start yelling again, but he's not making it easy. How can a brain man be _so _brainless at times?

"Well, I'm one person who can help," he says, a hopeful smile breaks through his lips.

"Seattle is my home, Derek, with or without my research," she says in a low voice. She exhales. "Like I said, we don't have time to discuss this now. We can talk about it tonight on the phone, okay?"

"Three hour time difference," he reminds her. "And I didn't get any sleep tonight, and I'm going three hours into the future. It'll be an eight hour change in total, by the time I get off the plane. I'm going to beat tonight; plus, I don't want to argue with you over the phone."

"I don't think there's anything left to argue about," she responds. "My answer is simple. I'm staying here, and I'm not gonna change my mind, Derek."

"So, you're asking for me to choose between my family and my career, Meredith? Since when is our marriage built off of ultimatums? I've never given you an ultimatum," he says softly. He's not yelling. He doesn't sound angry. He sounds hurt and confused, and Meredith's heart aches.

"No," she says quietly, "you just made decisions and assumed I was on board without _once _asking my opinion."

"I should have asked how you really felt about D.C.," he sighs. "I was just so excited, and I thought you would be happy to get away from Seattle. You keep reminding me of all the bad things that have happened here. We have a lot of history here."

"Bad things have happened here," she admits, "but so have good things." She grabs his hand. "We happened here, Derek."

"Meredith, I'll always love Seattle, and we'll always hold on to the memory of how we met," he says, "and we have wonderful friends here. Heck, we are still going to sit on the hospital board. It's not like we're breaking our connections here. This house, our dream house, will still be here. Amy wants to rent it from us. She's always aspired to be me." Derek chuckles. "The kids adore their Aunt Amy, so we can come visit whenever. Seattle isn't going anywhere, Meredith."

"You still don't get it," she responds sadly.

Will he ever?

* * *

She's right. He doesn't get it. Why is she making this so complicated? She's giving him a headache, and he doesn't want to leave on this note. He doesn't want to leave with this ultimatum before him. She's giving him an ultimatum. Their marriage had never been made off ultimatums, and it shouldn't start now.

He gets it. He should have asked her how she felt about D.C. But would it have really changes things if she had told him she didn't want to move upfront? He still would have argued with her and tried to convince her otherwise. At least he would have known right away, though. Honestly, he was looking so forward to starting over. Plus, D.C. is three hours away from his mother's house by train. They could take the Amtrak up to his mother's on some weekends. His mother is Bailey and Zola's only living grandmother, and he knows his mother wishes she can see them more often. She's only met them once, last Christmas. He's already told her they're moving to D.C., and she's so thrilled. She's also talked about taking the Amtrak down to visit them. She's offered to spend a week or so with them when they first move, until they are settled in the new city.

There's a gut wrenching pain in his stomach. He can't believe Meredith is doing this. To him. To their family. This isn't her. Something's changed, and he's willing to bet it has something to do with Cristina moving to Zurich. She's upset about her friend leaving, so she's taking it out on him.

"Is this about Cristina?" He takes a deep breath as he asks.

"No," she instantly retorts. "Why would it be?"

"This came on so sudden after you said goodbye to her," he says observantly.

"It's not about Cristina," Meredith says. "I-I told her I would take care of Alex and Owen."

"Alex and Owen are grown men," he states, "I'm pretty sure they can take care of themselves, and Alex has Jo. He doesn't need you to take care of him. It seems like you're taking care of everyone but me."

"You're a grown man too," she points out. "You don't need me to take care of you."

"I'm your husband," he says. "I'm not asking you to take care of me. I'm asking you to be _with _me, because you're my wife and the mother of my children."

* * *

She cringes. She's really trying hard not to get mad. She doesn't want to yell at him, especially so early in the morning _and _when he is about to hop on a plane for five hours.

"Derek, I'm not asking you to choose between this job and our family. This is not an ultimatum," she says sincerely.

"Then what the hell is it?" he asks; she can sense the irritation in his voice.

"I'm simply saying I'm staying here. You should buy the house in Foggy Bottom, and if Amelia wants to stay here, great. I don't mind having her around. She makes waffles," Meredith tells him.

"You're missing the entire point," he says. He clenches his fists together and takes a deep breath. "I want my family _closer _to me. I'm tired of traveling back and forth. I'm tired of being away from you, Bailey, and Zola so much. I need you close to me. We can't have a healthy family if I'm in D.C. and you're in Seattle - and what about the kids? It's only going to confuse them."

"I don't want to raise my kids in D.C.," she blurts out. "There, I said it, Derek."

"What?" his eyes widen. Blatant uncertainty and confusion overrides his face. "What's wrong with D.C.?"

"Oh, come on, Derek. You can't honestly think it's the most family friendly city in the world. You have to walk everywhere. You either have to take the Metro, or the bus, or a cab, and it's not exactly stroller friendly. Plus, I happen to like driving. You're right, Derek. D.C. is a rich city to _visit_, filled with resources for visitors and tourists, but I don't want to live there. It's not my home. Seattle is."

"You find something wrong with every city I suggest," he says bitterly. "I wanted to move to Boston two years ago. I was willing to follow _you _for _your _career."

"It's not the same," she responds tartly. "I didn't have to _call _the hospital for you to have a job. You can just walk into any gosh darn hospital you want, Derek, and you'll have a job. You're Dr. Shepherd. Every chief of surgery in this country knows your name, and if they don't, they will."

"You're missing the point," he says blandly. "You didn't want to move in the first place. At the time, I thought it was because of Cristina, but then she moved to Minnesota and you _still _refused to move. Are you saying we have to live in Seattle the rest of our lives because it's _your _home? Meredith, what about my home? I grew up in New York, but I'm not forcing you to live there!"

She freezes.

She realizes he has a point. The pit of her stomach burns.

"Derek," she says quietly, "we have friends here. Friends who we can trust to take good care of our kids when need them. And your sister is _here _now. She's not three hours away. I'm not saying it wouldn't be great to be closer to your mother, but your sister's right here - and she adores Zola and Bailey and they adore her. Now, if you were to stay here, you'd probably scare her away. She was pretty frazzled yesterday -"

_You can go, _she recalls her conversation yesterday with Amelia. _The only thing that would help is if his shadow were gone. _

"Do you _want _me to move to D.C., Meredith?" he asks suddenly. "Because you seem pretty adamant about me leaving."

Her eyebrows furrow with confusion. Of course she doesn't _want _him to leave. She's grown use to him not being around as much in the past couple months, and she's started bonding with Amelia. In fact, in the past month, she's enjoyed Amelia's company more than Derek's, as much as she hates to admit it.

Her heart burns. "Of course I don't _want _you to move," she says.

"Well, I can't keep traveling back and forth so frequently," he says slightly bitterly. "It's killing me - the three hour time difference, the five hour plane ride. I go back and forth eight hours every time I fly. I can't handle much more of it. I thought this would be the last time. I thought I'd go there today, then come back tomorrow evening. We'd pack up everything we need and drive across the country next month. That was the plan, Meredith."

"That was _your _plan," she instantly retorts. "Not mine. You never consulted with me. Derek, I'm your wife. You say that you're my husband, and I should take care of you or be with you or whatever. But you seem to have forgotten _I'm your wife_. Husbands - good husbands - generally _discuss _major life-changing decisions with their spouses first. It's the right thing to do. You don't. You treat me like I'm your puppy dog who's gonna follow you everywhere you go whether I like it or not."

He freezes. "You should follow me everywhere I go, _because I'm your husband_, the father of your children, and we should be together. We can't just have a long-distance relationship like any childless couple. It'll be too hard on Zola and Bailey."

"And your being away for days at a time these past months haven't been hard on them?" she asks. "Want to guess how many times Zola has asked _Where's Daddy_? each night you've been gone? Or _When's Daddy coming home?_ It hasn't been easy, especially when they're so used to seeing you every night."

"Meredith, you're proving my point," he says. "My being in D.C. and you, Amy, and the kids being here isn't going to solve our problem."

She knows he's right, and she doesn't know how to respond. Her heart is aching dully. She doesn't know what to do. She knows that if she goes to D.C., she's going to turn into Thatcher. She knows Derek isn't going to retract any amount of focus from his work. In fact, he'll probably focus on it even more. She'll be Thatcher, raising their children. She'll have access to the most wonderful resources in the world, but she won't have time to use them because she'll have to devout time to her family while her husband is living his dream. She has a support system in place here in Seattle. She has friends she who trusts with her life, because they've saved it time and time again. She won't have that in D.C. She might make new friends, but that kind of thing takes time. It's not easy. Plus, would she be able to trust these new friends? You can't just leave your kids with any random Joe Blow.

This isn't easy for her to put into perspective. The idea of Derek being away more than he is now is unimaginable. But she knows he can't give up on this opportunity. She doesn't want him to give it up. It's a huge opportunity, and she thinks he should pursue it. As she told him many months ago, she wanted neurosurgeon Derek Shepherd to get the job, not her husband Derek Shepherd. It is complicated. _She _is complicated. She knows this.

She stares at Derek. His sad blue eyes are gazing at her solemnly. She can see the pain on his face. She takes his hand and sighs. She leans in and gently kisses his lips; they're dry and chapped. She squeezes his hand and lightly strokes the top of it with her thumb.

Her stomach churns nauseously. Her heart weighs heavily in her chest; it feels like she has a gigantic rock inside her chest. She feels an overwhelming sense of guilt inside, but she knows this is the right thing to do. She can't let Derek walk all over her forever. She needs to stand on her own two feet. She will not live in his shadow. She will not give up _her life _for a man. When she was a teenager, she laughed at girls who got all bent out of shape over men. There were girls in high school class who skipped class because they had a fight with their boyfriend, or they broke up. It was silly, really. She thought it was silly.

She never understood how much pain love can cause until she met Derek. She now understands that love _is _the most powerful feeling in the world. That's why it's so difficult _not _to choose love. Love is both the _best _and the _worst _feeling in the world. How is that even freaking possible?

"Derek, I don't know what to say to you," she finally says. "I just don't. I don't want to give you an ultimatum, I really don't. But I don't want you to quit your project for me, because you'll resent me, and I'm not moving to D.C. I'm sorry, and I don't think it's a good place for us to raise our kids. If I move to D.C., I'm just going to end up resenting you. It won't be healthy for our relationship, because frankly, I don't see things being much different. You're going to put all your energy into your brain mapping, like you have ever since you accepted the job, and I'm going to be left to raise the kids in a strange city on top of being homesick. It's a lose-lose situation."

* * *

He hurts. Every tendon in his body aches. She's not being selfish. She doesn't want him to resent her, though he already is starting to. She doesn't want him to choose between her and his career. She's telling him there's no choice to be made. She's telling him he has to take the job.

He can't imagine not seeing his kids on a regular basis. He can't imagine not seeing her. He fights tears. Men don't cry. Men bottle their emotions up inside, but this might kill him. She is physically and emotionally killing him.

He looks at her, and all he can think is about much he loves her and their children. He doesn't want to be on the other side of the country from them. He already struggles to sleep when he's so far away. He needs her snores to sing him to sleep. There have been a number of times he's called her and has stayed on the line until she is asleep so he can listen to her snores. It's not the same as hearing them in person, though.

This situation. It's complication, and there seems to be no clear-cut solution, according to Meredith. In his eyes, it's black and white. But Meredith doesn't see the world in black and white like he does, as his mother so observantly pointed out to him after she first met her:

"_Oh sweetheart, you see things in black and white. Meredith doesn't. You need a spoonful of that. You need her. She's the one." _

Do you choose love? Or do you choose your career? He realizes, for the first time in their relationship, Meredith isn't choosing love. She's not choosing him at all. He can tell by the pain in her eyes this isn't easy for her. Up until now, she's always put his dreams before hers. She's always supported him. She's dropped everything for him. And he's been taking it for granted.

This hurts. This hurts like hell. He didn't know it was possible for pain to be this heartfelt. He feels like someone is stabbing him directly in the chest, but it's just his wife. She has that power over him. She's the only person in the world who has ever been capable of giving him this feeling. Addison stabbed him in the stomach. When he walked in on her affair with Mark, he felt nauseous. This pain he's feeling right now: It's a feeling only Meredith has given him. Meredith stabs him directly in the heart; his blood vessels burst; and he's going to bleed to death - Yang isn't here to save his life this time. He's a goner. His wife is telling him she is choosing Seattle over their love. He feels betrayed.

"Derek," Meredith says adamantly. She lets go of his hand. "You have to go. You have a plane to catch."

She pushes him near the edge of the bed, and he knows she's right. He has a plane to catch.

But he needs her.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: _THANK YOU_** **for all your fabulous reviews. I love reading all your feedback. I do read every review, even if I don't respond to them all. I'll try to get better at that. I also think it's interesting how some of you side more with Derek and some of you more with Meredith. Writing this story has opened my eyes to pieces of the storyline that I didn't even realize were there before. I hope it has had the same effect on you guys too.**

* * *

He sits on the edge of the bed, still bare skinned and naked. His legs feel like bricks. Currently, he's trying to digest the conversation he and Meredith have just had. He's trying to put it all into perspective, but he can't. She's staying. She has made it very clear that nothing can change her mind.

His heart feels like a bowling ball. His insides feel hollow. Cold sweat drips profusely from his forehead. Derek turns his head just slightly to the right, so he can see Meredith covering her bare skin with the blank. She lies on her side, watching him.

"Derek," she says sternly. "You have to go."

He feels like a sad puppy dog as he looks at her. The anger has passed, and now he just feels sad. She's right. He has to go.

So he acquires the strength to finally stand. It takes all his willpower to land his feet on the ground and straighten his legs into a standing position. He manages to balance his body weight, though, and then he turns around to face Meredith. She's still lying on his side, observantly watching him. Her hair is an absolute mess - sex hair. He feels like he's done his job, though he knows she did most the work. It's not like her to do all the work, and it's not like him to let her. He likes to be in control. He likes to be the dominant partner. It's the man's job to be in control. But now, he feels completely out of control.

He is now seeing his wife in an entirely different perspective. He's always known her to be stubborn. When she makes up her mind about something, there's no changing it. And usually, she's right. He remembers a few years ago back when she decided to change specialities. It wasn't his idea, nor did he support it. He missed working with her and still does sometimes. He's tried to get her back to Neuro a few times. The first time she came back after she left, the case ended devastatingly, and that was that. They didn't speak about it again for a long time.

They operated, just the two of them, for the first time together in a long time about a month ago. He'd truly forgotten about much he missed having her in the OR. He'd found himself admiring her precision. She truly does have her mother's gift. He knows Meredith has the potential to be an extraordinary surgeon. She already _is _an extraordinary surgeon. She just needs to make a name for _herself _now.

He notices the way she lights at spinal and brain scans. He often wonders if she misses Neuro as much as he misses working with her in Neuro. Though, he knows she'll never admit it. She's decided to follow in her mother's footsteps, but if her mother's passion isn't her passion, then that would explain why she's struggling. Meredith is hard-headed. Once she makes up her mind about something, even if it's not for _her _best interest, she won't change her mind.

Derek knows she doesn't want to live in his shadow. He gets that. He knows he should have talked to her about the job at James Madison first. But, as she's made clear, it's not only about the work. Seattle is her home, and he's decided there's no convincing her to move any time in the near future.

He can put off D.C. and hope she'll change her mind in the future, but he can't count on that. They've already been through this once before. Apparently, Meredith is convinced that she's going to live the rest of her life in Seattle. He doesn't get it. Derek thinks it's very narrow-minded of her. She needs to broaden her perspective of the world. She needs to see what's out there. But she's not willing to look. If you're not willing to look, then you won't succeed.

Derek cringes. Now, he's starting to get angry again. It's funny how, all of a sudden, he can go from sad to angry. He gazes into Meredith's eyes. He sees her watching him. She bites her lip so adorably, like she does when she's thinking hard. He wonders what she's thinking.

* * *

Meredith's heart is racing. The sun has started to rise. It shines brightly through their bedroom window. The light beams around Derek's skin as he stands naked in front of her, with his bare butt facing the large window in their bedroom. Fortunately, they don't have nearby neighbors. Owen, being the closest, lives on the other side of the trees. He's staring at her with sad puppy dog eyes. She hasn't seen him look at her like this in a while. Her stomach is aching as she sees, for the the time, the full extent of the damage she's done to him. Her top teeth sink into her bottom lip. She knows he's going to be upset when he finally sees it.

There are several red marks across his face that she suspects will bruise. His shoulders also have red streaks. She can also see teeth marks in his neck. A penny-sized hickey has formed on the side of his neck. She can't believe she's actually done this to him. They've always been careful about not leaving hickeys in the past. They're not lovestruck horny teenagers. Plus, she always gave Alex crap for his hickeys. Derek has never left a hickey on her in a _visible _location, at least.

She clenches her teeth together, wondering if she should tell him before he goes into the bathroom and sees for himself. Then, out of the blue, he pulls the blanket off her, exposing her bare skin. He grabs her ankles and pulls her toward him. She lets out a loud gasp. "Derek? What are you doing!"

"I'm taking you with me," he responds, and he throws his arms around her tiny frame. He lifts her off the bed and she lets out a scream.

"No, Derek! I've already told you. I'm _not _going with you. Derek, put me down! Damnit!" she cries, but he proceeds to ignore her. His strong arms enclose on her body as he carries her toward the bathroom. Her heart is racing._ What is he doing? _Meredith's head is spinning. Her stomach drop, and her heart races anxiously. His skin is a furnace. She can feel his heart pounding as her chest rubs against his. He clings on tightly to her then pushes her into the shower, imprisoning her in the corner as he reaches behind him to turn the water on.

Iceberg cold water sprays onto both of them. Goosebumps crawl up Meredith's arms as she lets out a loud shriek. Derek reaches back to adjust the water to a lukewarm temperature. He caves her in the corner with his body. His legs are widespread and his arms wrap around her. She looks into his darling blue eyes and sees him smiling awkwardly down at her. He's so adorable. She starts to giggle.

* * *

Derek can't stop looking at her. She has the cutest, infectious laugh. There's just something about it that warms his heart. He can watch her laugh all day, but the thing is, she doesn't do it enough. She hasn't done it much recently at all. It's something he's missed.

He wraps his arms around her shoulders, and she leans into him. She presses her eardrum against his chest. She can feel her breathing slow. She looks up at him again. Her blue-green eyes make melt inside, and he falls in love with her all over again. Then, she takes him by surprise, and presses her lips against his. Her lips are cool and moist. He licks them with his tongue. She breaks the kiss and a giggle escapes her lips.

"What's so funny?" he asks softly, stroking her damp face.

"You," she responds with a wide smile on her face.

"Me?" he asks, perplexed.

"Yup," she nods, then kisses his forehead.

"Hm," he sighs.

"You know, I'm still kind of mad at you," she confesses.

"Well, I'm still kind of mad at you too," he tells her. "But you're just so damn adorable. It's hard to be mad at you."

"I know the feeling," she laughs. "Why do I have to have such a sexy husband? It makes it _really _hard to stay mad at him." She wraps arms around his waist. They rotate positions, so Meredith stands directly under the water flow and he is in the corner. Water still hits his face.

"Well," he says. "Apparently, being blessed with good looks work to my advantage."

She flicks him with her fingernail. "You're such an arrogant ass."

"Hey, you just said I was sexy. Maybe you shouldn't stroke my ego so much," he teases.

She raises an eyebrow. "I'll make note of that."

He laughs and kisses her again. "We'll figure this out, Mer. We have to."

"I just don't know how," she admits. "Everything you said is true, but I stand on my ground, Derek. I can't leave Seattle. Not now. I'm not saying not ever. But now's not a good time."

"Oh," he laughs. "So, there's a chance at some point you might want to leave Seattle? Well, _that's _good to know."

She shakes her head; her wet hair moves in sync. "I know it's not fair to you. It's like you said, Seattle isn't your home. It's simply one small part of your life, so I can understand if you don't want to stay here. If I'm not willing to move across the country for you, then you definitely shouldn't feel obligated to stay here for me. It's not fair to you."

He exhales. "Meredith, why do you have to be so complicated?" He shakes his head.

"That's who I am," she laughs. "I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear from the beginning."

"Oh, no. You made it plenty clear. I knew what I was getting into," he winks. "It's one of the things I love about you."

"And also what you hate about me," she points out.

He nods. "Just a bit," he admits. "Meredith, do you really think we can sustain me in D.C. and you in Seattle even for a little while? You know, I signed a year contract. That puts me there for at least a year. That's until next June. The thought of missing a year of Bailey's and Zola's lives…"

"Derek, it's not like you'll never see us," she says. "We'll come visit you in D.C. and you'll come visit Seattle. You're still going to be on the hospital board. Plus, there's Skype. Modern technology happens to work in our favor."

He sighs. "But here's the real question: Can I be still be a good father while living so far away and only visiting the kids? Can I still be a good father?"

She swallows. "I don't know, Derek. Can you?"

She breaks away from him and reaches for his shampoo. She squeezes a bit on her hand and rubs her hands together. She begins lathering his hair with the shampoo.

Silence beckons as she washes his hair for him. He's lost in thought. He doesn't know the answer to her question. Truthfully, he doesn't think he can. How can he? He's already been gone so much in the past couple months. He knows the kids have missed him. He talks to them on Skype as much as he can, but it's not the same.

She massages her thumbs into his scalp, delving deep into the bacteria in his head. He sighs. Then she guides him directly under the water pressure. She runs her continues to run her fingers through his hair, rinsing away the soap suds. He closes his eyes so soap doesn't infect his eyeballs.

Next, she takes the Dove bar of soap. She starts to massage the soap directly onto his skin. The suds from the bar form on his skin as she continues to rub the soap onto him in a circular motion. She grabs his navy blue body sponge and fills it with warm water. She gently massages it into his skin. The water rinses the soap away.

He reaches for her soap, but she stops him.

"You don't have time, Derek," she says then insists, "I can take care of myself."

* * *

Meredith can tell Derek is hurt when she stops him, but she knows he needs to go now if he has any chance of catching his plane. There wasn't time to mess around. They step out of the shower and for the first time that morning, Derek looks at himself in the mirror. Meredith stomach drops nervously, but a smile fills his mouth.

"Nice job, Meredith," he chuckles and quickly kisses her cheek as he wraps a towel around himself.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes sincerely as he wraps a towel around her body.

"Don't be," he insists.

"Right, so the president is gonna think you're like a horny teenager," she sighs.

"I'll wear a turtleneck, I guess," he tells her.

"A turtle neck?" she raises an eyebrow. "It's May, Derek, and I'm pretty sure D.C. is warmer than Seattle. It was smoking hot when we were there a couple weeks ago. I have some concealer that could help."

"Your skin is fairer than mine," he points out. "Plus, I heal fast. It'll probably be gone by the time I land in D.C. Mer, don't worry about it." He runs his hand through her wet hair.

"You sure?" she asks, not so convinced.

He nods. "I'm sure."

"It won't happen again, Derek," she promises.

"Well, that's disappointing," he laughs. "Because I had fun, and I think you did too. It was new. We need new. Plus, if we're only going to be seeing each other every now and then, we're going to need to spice those visits up and make the most of them."

She rolls her eyes and laughs. "You are _such _a horn dog."

"Another reason I don't want to live on the other side of the country from you," he teases. She can't help but smile as she playfully slaps him. "Ooooh, slapping me again. Well…" He opens his arms and pulls her into him. Their towels rub together as she feels his now moist lips against her neck.

"Derek," she says sternly. "We don't have time. You're going to miss your flight."

His eyes sadden as he frowns, and he nods his head. "I can't miss my flight."

"You can't," she agrees and breaks away from him. She puts on her bathrobe and doesn't even bother drying her hair. While Derek is brushing his teeth, Meredith goes into the bedroom. She realizes Derek has a whole thirty minutes to get to the airport before his plane leaves. That means he has to leave in the next five minutes to even have a chance at making his flight. "Derek, you have five minutes before you need to leave!" she calls to him.

"Okay!" he calls back.

To save him time, she pulls a pair of black slacks and his favorite red button down shirt out of his closet. She lays the clothes on the bed for him, so they're ready for him when he comes out of the bathroom.

"You didn't have to set my clothes out for me," he says as he walks out of the bathroom, still in his towel.

"I wanted to save you time," she tells him. ""You really need to get going."

He looks at the clock and his eyes instantly widen. "Damnit." He quickly dresses himself as she sits on the bed. She stares out the window. The sun is rising, but the moon is still visible.

The next total lunar eclipse that'll be visible in Seattle is set to happen on October 8, 2014. Sometimes, a lunar eclipse is called a _blood moon _because the moon turns red.

_Do not what he wants eclipse what you need. _

Cristina's words linger in her head. Her blood pours through her veins as she watches her husband getting ready to leave. She tries to analyze Cristina's statement.

_He's not the sun. You are. _

A lunar eclipse occurs when the the moon passes directly behind the earth, and the sun, earth, and moon are directly aligned, thus resulting in a red moon. If she's the sun, then Derek is the earth. And without the sun, mankind is doomed.

She sees the pain in Derek's face. He's been dawdling all morning. It's the first time since he's taken on this project that she can tell he doesn't want to leave. Up until now, she knows, he has just assumed she would tag along wherever he went. As humans, we assume the sun will always be there. We don't expect it to blow up. But the reality is, the sun won't burn forever. Scientists have tried calculating how long it'll be before the sun runs out of fuel. Scientists think it'll be about 1.5 billion years before that happens. The reality is, we don't really know.

She sees Derek's pain, but she won't let him give up D.C. If brain mapping is his dream, then he needs to follow his dream. She doesn't want to be the reason for his unhappiness. She doesn't want him to resent her or blame her for holding him back on this undeniably amazing opportunity.

"Derek," she says quietly. His eyes twinkle when he looks at her.

"I have to go," he says. He walks over and kisses her on the forehead. "I'll call you later, okay?"

She nods. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he says back as he walks toward the door.

"Derek," she calls after him. He stops. "I would still take a bullet for you."

He looks at her for a moment and smiles. "I would take one for you too." Then he exits the room.


	5. Chapter 5

After Derek is finally gone is when Meredith's tears start to flow freely. She realizes the battle she has created. Though, she doesn't regret it one bit. She lies on the bed and finds herself on Derek's side of the bed. She is on her stomach; her face presses onto Derek's soft pillow. _His _scent lingers into her nose. It's a combination of his deodorant and cologne that fills her nostrils.

Her tears soak up his pillow. She hugs onto it tightly. She doesn't want to begin to imagine her life with her husband on the opposite side of the country.

It's hard when Derek is away. She's grown use to the warmth his body enthrals on hers. He always drapes his arm around her when they're asleep. She feels secure when he's with her. It's not easy being in a house alone in the woods with two small children, which is why she's grateful for Amelia's presence now.

Not long after Derek is gone Meredith begins to smell the fresh scent of waffles rising through the air. Meredith doesn't know if it's the only breakfast dish Amelia knows how to make, or if it's just her favorite meal. It doesn't really matter to Meredith. She thinks Amelia's waffles are phenomenal. It's possible they're the best waffles she has ever had. They make Amelia worth sticking around, aside from the fact she helps out with the kids.

Meredith doesn't want to take advantage of Amelia, but Derek's sister has made it clear that she doesn't want to leave. She loves Seattle. Meredith wonders if Amelia _really _loves Seattle, or if she's just avoiding confronting James and her other friends in Los Angeles. Though, Meredith doesn't ask and has no intention of prying into Amelia's private life. It's none of her business. According to Amelia, her LA friends are insanely nosy, and it's part of the reason she loves Seattle so much. So, Meredith doesn't pry.

She finally finds the strength to sit up on her own. Meredith goes into the bathroom to finish washing her hair. Once her hair is dry and she is fully dressed, she makes her way into the kitchen. There, she finds both of her children sitting at the counter, and Amelia pouring Zola a glass of orange juice. Bailey is playing with his waffle bites.

"'Morning, Momma," Zola says with a mouth full of waffles.

"Now, now, Zola, what did we say about talking with food in your mouth?" Amelia scolds softly.

"It's not polite!" Zola responds, still with food in her mouth. Meredith and Amelia both eye the three-year-old as she swallows the bite of food in her mouth and then repeats her words without food in her mouth, "It's not polite."

"Good girl," Meredith smiles, patting her daughter's back. "Now, Zola, do you remember what polite means?" Meredith glances at Amelia.

"It means nice," Zola says innocently. "Can I take another bite now, please?"

"Of course, Zozo," Meredith laughs, and Zola stuffs another piece of waffle into her mouth. Meredith walks next to Amelia and helps herself to a waffle. She sighs, "You know, I think you're going to be a good mom someday."

"Gosh, I don't know, Mer." Amelia shakes her head. "I'm not sure I'm cut out for it, and being here with you and Derek...if anything, it's really opened my eyes."

"Just because we are horrible at making it work, doesn't mean you will be," Meredith tells her.

Amelia laughs. "That's the thing. Derek's the golden boy. If he can't make it work, I'm doomed. Speaking of which...what the heck was going on with you guys at like four in the morning? I don't mean to pry, but you guys kind of looked pissed at each other last night, and it sounded like you two were up all night."

Meredith swallows; her cheeks are burning. "We had a disagreement is all."

"Oh," Amelia says. "Really, it's none of my business. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Mama," Bailey cooes.

"Yes, Bailey boo?" Meredith gently pats Bailey's head.

"Balooooga!" he cooes.

"Well, I love you too, Bailey boo," Meredith smiles.

"How do you know he's saying _I love you_?" Amelia laughs.

"Actually, he's saying _Bailey loves you_," Meredith explains. She quickly tells the story of _Balooga. _She and Zola were trying to get Bailey to say _I love you_. Zola would say, _"Zozo loves Bailey_," and Meredith would say_, "Bailey loves Zola. Say 'I love you', Bailey." _ And thus, _Balooga _was born.

"Zozo!" Bailey repeats.

"Zozo loves Bailey!" Zola announces and gives her brother a kiss on the cheek. Meredith's heart warms when she sees Zola being so sweet to her baby brother. Unfortunately, it's not always the case, but they're siblings so of course they're not always going to get along. Meredith remembers when Bailey was first born. Zola was so excited in the hospital, but then when he came home, it was a different story. It helped that Callie and Sofia were around at the time, so Zola had Sofia to play with. But Zola didn't understand why Bailey needed so much attention. She was used to having all Mommy and Daddy's attention, so it was hard for her to share her parents with her new brother at first. The last thing Meredith had wanted was for Zola to think that she and Derek had a new baby and had forgotten about her, so she made every effort to ensure Zola got some individualized attention too. It was hard when Bailey was so little, though. Zola had been seven months old when she'd first come home with them, and Meredith soon learned taking care of a seven month old and newborn were two totally different ballgames.

She is grateful that Bailey is past the newborn stage now and finally sleeps through the night. She can't believe her little guy will be one year old in just two weeks. She and Derek haven't even talked about what they're doing for his birthday party.

"Balooooga!" Bailey repeats and giggles.

"See, you have the Mommy thing down. You speak baby," Amelia laughs. "I don't think I ever will be able to understand it."

"When it's your own kid, you will," Meredith assures her. "Or, you'll pretend to understand what they're saying, at least."

"All done!" Zola announces after taking her last bite, and she sets her fork down.

"Good girl," Meredith smiles at her daughter. "Now, somebody needs to get dressed." She studies her daughter's purple fairy nightgown.

"I go get dressed," Zola says and dashes off to her room. Amelia picks up Zola's cup and plate and sets it in the dishwasher as Meredith takes Zola's seat next to Bailey.

"So," Amelia begins as Meredith indulges in her first bite of waffle, "Are you looking forward to moving to D.C.?"

"Actually," Meredith says slowly, swallowing another bite of her waffle. "That's what Derek and I were arguing about. Um, I'm not going."

"What?" Amelia's jaw drops.

"Seattle is my home, so it's where I'm going to stay," she says simply.

"And Derek's okay with that?" Amelia looks confused.

"If he was, we wouldn't have been arguing," Meredith points out, swallowing the last bite of her waffle. The lingering fumes of poo hit Meredith's nostrils. Meredith looks at her son, "And this guy needs a diaper change."

* * *

The drive to the airport is anything but pleasant. He's left before the Seattle morning rush hour, yet traffic seems to be busier today than usual for no apparent reason. It's like the universe is trying to prevent him from getting to the airport. He is scowling. It's not long before he realizes it's an accident that is holding up traffic.

His heart races, knowing he needs to catch his plane. If he is going to get the townhouse, he needs to turn in the signed papers by four o'clock Eastern time to secure the house as his. Though, as he's sitting in his car, he is questioning if it's worth buying the house without Meredith. _You should still buy the house, _he hears Meredith's words in his head. But what's the point without her? When he looked at the house, he'd imagined raising his family in it. It is a three-bedroom, three-bathroom townhouse; so there is one less bedroom than they currently have, but there is one more bathroom. He had joked that Zola and Bailey could each have their own bathroom.

The townhouse is not cheap, though they can certainly afford it. They have never had a house payment, since he had built their current home from scratch. Before, he'd lived in a trailer and had saved the vast majority of his paychecks. It's sort of funny. Money is the generally the number one thing couples argue about. Money is one thing he and Meredith have never really discussed, because it's never been a concern. He realizes they're fortunate in that aspect.

They've kept separate checking accounts, though when they adopted Zola he insisted on starting a college fund for her. Meredith was on board, and then when Bailey was born last May, they started a fund in his name too. Both of their children will be financially stable when the time comes for them to decide their career paths.

Money isn't the problem. Their problem lies in Meredith's ties to Seattle. It's like she's bound to it. He knows she says that maybe one day she'll be ready to move, but when is one day? Is it next year? Is it ten years from now? In some ways, she is predictable. He's gotten to know her facial expressions and movements pretty well. He knows when she's feeling down. He knows when she's happy. However, there are times she surprises him. Like, he never would have expected her to build him a house of candles. He never would have expected her to willingly call his sisters to get them to donate a nerve for his hand. She's made it pretty clear she hates his sisters, but now, he's noticed her bonding with Amelia. There are times she does surprise him, and he loves when she does. She's evolved since he first fell in love with her, and if anything, his love for her has evolved too. He's only fallen more in love with her.

He's never considered her a selfish person, which is why this has taken him so far by surprise. He doesn't really know how to react. It's what makes it difficult for him to grasp onto. He keeps telling himself that she's not being selfish, that she has a legitimate reason for her choices. And technically, she does. She's right when she says their friends are in Seattle. They have people that they can trust in Seattle, which they won't have in D.C. But that doesn't mean they can't make friends there. He's already started to make connections in the government and the NIH. He wouldn't consider anyone to be a close friend, but they could become friends. It takes time to build close friendships. After all, he didn't become close friends with anyone overnight when he first moved to Seattle.

When he came to Seattle, he had no one. No one at all. The only person he knew was Richard, and he still saw Richard as a mentor/teacher. He didn't start to see him as a friend until later on. The only attending he talked to was Burke, who wouldn't even let him call him by his first name. As far as Derek is concerned, you can't consider someone your friend until you're on a first name basis. Truthfully, he never considered Burke as a close friend. Burke was in a world of his own. And then there was Meredith…

Truthfully, she was what kept him in Seattle, aside from his love for ferryboats. She made him feel like Seattle was where he was supposed to be. She made him feel welcome, even if she did try to push him away at first. There was something about her. Something special. A spark. And he knew it from the moment he laid eyes on her. She's the reason he was meant to end up in Seattle. She's the reason he walked in on Addison and Mark. Addison was never the love of his life. Meredith was. Meredith is.

Now, he feels like he doesn't need Seattle anymore. Seattle is a place of fond - and not so fond - memories. He can go anywhere, but she doesn't look at it like that.

Meredith's outlook on the world is completely different than his, which is what makes this situation complicated. It's what will make or break them as a couple. If they can figure this out, they can figure anything out. He wants to believe they can make it. They've been through so much. It seems silly to give up now.

He can't lose her. They have to somehow make this work.

He just wants her to realize the direct impact of her actions. He _cannot _be a good father and a good husband from the other side of the country. It's not doable. It's not realistic. As far as he's concerned, Meredith never has been a big picture thinker.

Derek parks his car in overnight parking and makes a dash for the airport check-in counter. He scans his ticket and hopes there won't be a super long line for security. Luckily, he doesn't have to check a bag, and he only has one carry-on bag, which contains one change of clothes.

_Crap, _he thinks as he approaches the line for security, which just so happens to fill up two full rows. He hopes it'll move fast. His stomach rumbles. He's not eaten this morning. He'll just have to order something on the plane. "FINAL BOARDING FOR FLIGHT 383 TO WASHINGTON D.C." Derek hears as he's still standing in line. He taps his foot anxiously. He needs to catch his plane, regardless, because he has a meeting set with the President of the United States himself this evening at six o'clock Eastern time. That'll give him about two hours to get to the White House after landing in D.C.

_Beep, beep_, the alarm goes off as he steps through the full body scanner. _Crap, _he thinks as the airport security guard approaches him. "We're going to pat you down," he tells Derek. Derek rolls his eyes. _You've got to be kidding me, _he thinks as the security guard begins feeling around his pocket areas. He reaches into Derek's jacket and pulls out a pocket knife.

"I totally forgot that was in there," Derek tells the security guard. He's not wearing his normal jacket. In fact, it's been months since he's wore this jacket, and he's not sure how that knife even got there.

"We'll need to confiscate this," the security guard tells him. "And you're good to go."

Right as he gets through security, he sees her. She's faced away from him, so he sees her golden blonde ponytail bounce as she walks. He notices she's walking toward a bathroom. Her hips sway in sync as she walks. _Meredith? _He thinks, and without a second thought, he finds himself following after her. "Meredith?" he calls, but she doesn't turn around. He walks faster to catch up with her.

And as he extends his hand to touch her shoulder, she turns around and faces him. His heart stops. The woman's dark brown eyes look perplexed as they meet his. She's not Meredith.

"I-I'm sorry," he stammers. "I thought you were someone else."

He turns around feeling humiliated and realizes he doesn't have much time. Derek makes a dash for his gate. The door is shutting when he gets there.

"I'm sorry, sir, but boarding for this plane has ended," the gate attendant tells him.

"I need to get on that plane," Derek insists, breathing heavily to catch his breath. "Let me through, please!"

* * *

Meredith has just finished changing Bailey's dirty diaper. She's dressed him and he's now ready to go with his sister to daycare. She carries him into the living room, where Zola is playing with her dollhouse. She's fully dressed and all she needs to do is put on her shoes.

Amelia runs out of the guest bedroom where she's been staying. She's staring apprehensively at her phone. "Holy crap!" she gasps.

"What?" Meredith questions.

"What time was Derek's flight leaving?" she asks nervously.

"Seven," Meredith responds, lifting an eyebrow. "Why?"

"According to my Twitter feed, there's been a devastating runway crash at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport this morning," Amelia says. Her face plasters with terror. "Turn on the TV!"

Meredith's heart is racing as she reaches for the remote to turn on the television. She switches the channel from Nickelodeon to a local news station and watches as the image of a plane in flames appears on the screen. Debris from the plane is flying everywhere.

"_Flight 383 was leaving Seattle to Washington D.C. at seven this morning… 183 passengers were on board. It is too early to tell if there are survivors…." _

Her heart falls into the pit of her stomach.


	6. Chapter 6

Derek is livid. Fury shoots through his body. He's on fire.

"_I'm sorry, sir, but we cannot let you through. The gates for this plane have closed," _the gate tenant's voice repeated in his head. He cannot believe this. He has managed to miss his flight.

Derek clenches his fists tightly together as he storms toward the ticket office, hoping another flight to D.C. is leaving within the next hour. Then he _might _be able to make it to his meeting with the president in time.

As he walks, he fiddles in his pocket for his cell phone, only to discover it's not there. _Crap, _he thinks. He hopes he hasn't left it in his car. As he walks, he manages to unzip his brief case, wonder if it's in there. He feels around, but all he can feel are papers. No trace of his cell phone. _Where is it? _Derek's thoughts are racing. He can't remember where he last had it. _It has to be in his car_. After he re-schedules his flight, he decides he'll make a run out to his car to check, assuming he has time. The only downside is he'll have to go through security again.

His is surrounded by people as he approaches the ticket office. Men, women, and children walk by. Men with briefcases, men holding their wives' hands, men carrying toddlers. An airport is full of diversity. He sees it each time he flies. He sees fathers with their babbling toddlers, and he is reminded of Bailey. He sees fathers on their laptops, and he wonders if that man is on a business trip away from his wife and children. He sees unaccompanied women holding children's hands, and he wonders if she has a husband somewhere, or if she's a single mother. The world is filled with single mothers. Meredith herself was raised by a single mother, and she turned out wonderful, but Derek knows that Meredith isn't who she is because of her mother.

He feels sick. He recalls the early days of their relationship. Meredith suffered from abandonment issues. She was convinced he would leave her. And then the worst part is, he did. He left her. Twice. Both were uncalled for, but the second time was by far the worst. He'd left her when she needed him the most. Her mother had died, her step-mother had died, and her relationship with her father was in shambles. Meredith was broken, and he'd been so selfish. He hadn't known what else to do, though. He loved her. She was the love of his life, but he wanted more. More that she wasn't willing to give him at the time.

_So selfish, _he thinks, remembering how they'd broken up. If he'd just slowed down and accepted _her _for who she was. After all, good things come to those who wait. And good things _had _come. He had just been impatient.

_Impatient. _Is he being impatient now? He doesn't think so. He has every right to want to move forward. Why should he put his life on hold because she's not as far in her career? It's not his fault, though he knows it's not hers either. It just happened that way. He fell in love with her. He didn't care that she was his intern at the time, and he didn't think about how it would affect them later.

_How can a brain surgeon be so brainless? _It's a question Meredith herself has asked him, but he never really reflected on it until now.

It's been their problem all along. He was ready to settle down when she wasn't. Now, he's ready to take his career to the next level, and she's just beginning and she doesn't want to accept help from him. If she keeps up this current mindset, there's nothing he can do to help her.

He's stuck. He's furious. And now he's missed his flight.

_And it's her fault. _

He knows it's not fair to blame her, but he does. She continuously told him to get moving, but he dawdled. He knew it wasn't _only _her fault, but she had an effect on him that no one else did. She had the ability to control his emotions in unexplainable ways, even though she didn't know she was doing it. He gritted his teeth.

_The woman, _he thinks, remembering the woman who had distracted him as he'd passed through security. The woman who looked like Meredith from behind. If he hadn't followed her, he would have made his flight.

He approaches the ticket booth. Luckily, there isn't a line.

"Excuse me," Derek begins, "I just missed my flight and - "

_And then it happens. _It's sudden, unforeseeable. _Boom. _It's intense, almost deafening. His ears ring in a continuous loop. Then the earth shakes.

* * *

"Meredith," Amelia says, but Meredith does not respond. She's still holding her son and staring blankly outside the window. It's a mostly cloudy day in Seattle; there's a spot in the sky in which the sun attempts to break through the blanket of clouds. Though, the clouds slowly push over that spot, covering the little glimmer of brightness. The clouds gradually are becoming thicker. Meredith feels like time has stopped, but the clouds are getting thicker, so clearly time is still moving forward. It's like her world has imploded. She feels numb. She doesn't even notice Bailey slipping from her arms until Amelia lunges forward and saves him from Meredith's arms. She repeats, "Meredith!"

Meredith shakes her head, startled. She stares into Amelia's ocean blue eyes and for a moment, she forgets she's looking at Derek's sister. She sees her husband's eyes gazing at her. His face fills her mind. "D-Derek," she stutters. She sees a tear in Amelia's eyes, but she doesn't say anything.

"Momma," Meredith hears her three-year-old daughter's little voice, then she feels Zola tugging on her shirt. Meredith gazes into the little girl's chocolate brown eyes. "Is Daddy okay?" The little girl points to the TV. "Plane on fire."

_The sun shines brightly into her pupils. Meredith's skull is throbbing. Sparks are flying everywhere. Every limb in her body is sore. Everything is a blur. She's lying on her back, looking up at the sky, and the sun shines down her. She feels like every bone in her body is broken. Suddenly, she sees Cristina standing over her. _

"_Meredith, Meredith," the words muffle in her head. Cristina is yelling at her. "You have to get up. Meredith, GET UP!" Cristina takes her arm and pulls her forward. _

_She hears yelling. It's Arizona. But all Meredith can think about is Derek. Where is Derek? She sees Mark wobbling in the distance. But WHERE is Derek? _

_Meredith's heart pounds against her ribs as she realized what's happened to her. She sees the pilot. BUT WHERE IS DEREK? Is he dead? He can't be. No, no, no, she thinks. Derek can't be dead. _

That same pain Meredith felt in her heart on that day nearly two years ago weighs heavily in her heart again. She looks into her little girl's eyes. Zola was just over a year old then. She doesn't remember coming to see her mommy and daddy at the hospital after the plane crash. She doesn't even remember her Aunt Lexie or her Uncle Mark. She's seen pictures of them. She knows who they are. And she knows they loved her very much. But she doesn't know how they died. Meredith doesn't want that image in her daughter's head.

"Turn off the TV," Meredith demands. Amelia looks stunned. "Turn off the freaking TV." Amelia freezes and Meredith scowls, lunging toward the television to turn it off. She looks back at her little girl. "Daddy's fine," she tells Zola.

Lexie is dead. Mark is dead. Cristina is in Zurich. _Derek can't be gone now too._

"He's gonna come home soon?" Zola asks innocently. "You said he always comes back."

Meredith nods. She bites her lip as she kneels down to place her hands on Zola's shoulders. "Daddy will be home tomorrow, Lovebug," she tells Zola; Meredith feels Amelia's eyes on her. Meredith gives Zola a close hug. She holds tightly onto the three-year-old, never wanting to let her go. _Oh, Dear God, if you do exist, please don't let me be lying to her. _She's fighting back tears.

"Momma," Zola whispers, gasping for air. "You is hurting me."

Meredith loosens her grip on the preschooler and whispers, "I'm sorry, Lovebug." She kisses Zola's forehead.

Bailey lets out a scream at the same time as Meredith and Amelia's pagers both go off. "Shhhh, Bailey," Amelia whispers, trying to comfort him as she grabs her phone off the table. "911. The crash...that means there must be survivors." Amelia looks at Meredith with hopefulness in her eyes.

"Let's go," Meredith whispers.

Her head is spinning a million miles an hour as she helps Zola put her shoes on and dashes out the door. She can't think. She gives Amelia her keys and lets her drive.

_He's her brother, _Meredith thinks, noting how well composed Amelia seems to be, but Meredith realizes she must be breaking apart inside too.

_I would still take a bullet for you, _she recounts her last words to Derek in her head. She fights a tear. It's true. She would take a bullet for him without a second thought.

* * *

Time has frozen still. People are running everywhere, and nobody seems to know what the hell is going on. A crowd of people flock around the windows. Without a second thought, Derek finds himself pushing through mobs of people to see what the hell just happened outside.

And then he looks out the window and sees the flames. There's been a crash. A runway crash?

His heart drops into his stomach, and he knows he needs to get out there. There are people who could be alive. People who may benefit from his help. He's a surgeon. A neurosurgeon. He can help.

Security guards are blocking all the doors, trying to calm people down and to keep them contained. It's airport protocol until they know the cause of the accident. Derek approaches the guard. "I'm a doctor. Let me through. I can help."

"I'm sorry, sir, I can't let you out there," the security guard tells him. _I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot let you through, _Derek flashes back to just a little bit ago. Which flight was it? Which one had crashed? Was it his flight? Was it the one he was supposed to be on? Derek's temples throb.

"Tell me," he says, "which flight was it? Which one crashed?"

"Sir, I don't know any more than you do at this point," the security guard tells him. "I'm simply doing my job. I need you to step back."

Derek exhales. "Please," he says. "I'm a doctor. Clearly there are injured people out there, and I can help. Please." Derek gazes into the security guard's blue-green eyes. _Meredith has blue-green eyes, _he thinks. Today, everything is reminding him of Meredith.

_Oh, Crap, Meredith, _Derek thinks, wondering if she has heard about the crash. She'll be worried about him, and he doesn't have his phone to call her. By now, surely, she'll be on her way to the hospital.

Sirens are sounding. Ambulance and fire truck sirens.

"Please," he begs. "I can help."

* * *

"It's karma," Meredith tells Amelia after they have both changed into their scrubs. "It's freaking karma. The universe is doing this to me because I'm a horrible person. If I would have kept my freaking mouth shut and gone to D.C. with him, none of this would be happening. He's dead. I can feel it in my bones."

_She feels sick. She tries to remember the last time she's felt this sick..._

"_If he went for help. If Derek had gone for help, he would have sent a message or something. I mean, we have to find him. Something is wrong!" Meredith cries. _

The memory tarnishes Meredith's soul.

"_Okay, I can tell you one thing. When we get out of here, I am getting the HELL away from Seattle Grace Mercy Death, and I am NEVER looking back!" Cristina bellows._

Maybe Cristina was right. Maybe this place is cursed.

"_Cristina!"_ _she cries. "I think Derek is dead. He would have come for us by now. He definitely would have come for us by now." I think he's dead." She can't stop crying. She feels like she, too, is dying. Derek is her world. He's what makes her whole inside. He completes her. Without him...without him she is empty. _

She can't begin to fathom her life without Derek. She would rather be dead than live in a world where Derek doesn't exist.

And now she doesn't have Cristina to tell her to keep it together. She is alone. Her world is falling apart.

"Damn, and I thought I was a worst-case scenario thinker," Amelia groans. She exhales, shaking her head. "You know. Right now I can't think. I mean, clearly I can't, because I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend, who'd just recently become my fiancé, who was essentially the perfect man - every girl's dream guy, and I dumped him because I was a freakin' chicken. I came to Seattle, land of Derek's shadow, and while I love being surrounded by you guys, the last few days, all I've wanted is for Derek's shadow to go away. I've wished he would leave. And now...this. The fact that Derek could possibly be dead is the last thing I want to think about right now. Because if you want to talk about freakin' karma, Meredith, look at me. _Look at me_." Meredith looks blankly into her sister-in-law's damp eyes - _Derek's eyes _- as Amelia heaves a sigh. "If Derek's dead, it's _on me_. I wished him gone, so _it's on me_, not you. So I'm just gonna pretend he wasn't on that plane. That maybe, just maybe, he missed the flight. Because you know, people miss flights all the time. It happens."

"I pushed him to leave in time to make his flight," Meredith laments. "I pushed him to catch his flight. If I would've let him dilly dally a little longer, then he wouldn't have made it in time."

"Accidents hold up traffic. Security lines are long. Any number of reasons can cause a person to miss a flight," Amelia tells her. "I'm just gonna choose to believe he wasn't on that flight."

Meredith studies Amelia Shepherd. Her eyes twinkle like Derek's do when the light hits them just right. She's in pain, but she's trying to hide it. She's in denial. Denial. It's the first stage of grief. Meredith has always been a glass half empty kind of person, so accepting the painful truth has never been hard for her. When her mother died, while it was hard on her, she certainly didn't consider it the worst thing that ever happened to her. In fact, at the time, she was grateful her mother was dead. Sometimes Meredith thinks she's a freaking psycho. Because who seriously is _happy _when they find out their mother is dead?

During her lifetime, she's lost a lot of people. Death is the norm. It's everywhere. She's become so accustomed to death that it barely fazes her now. Death just happens to follow her everywhere. There was a reason Sadie nicknamed her _Death_, after all.

"I told Zola that Derek will always come home," Meredith says dryly. "I don't want to be the one to tell her she'll never see her daddy again."

"And you won't have to," Amelia whispers. "Have you tried calling him?"

If he wasn't on the plane, for some God-loving reason, surely he's heard about the crash by now. Why hasn't _he _called _her_? If he'd missed his flight, he would have called, she thinks. Though, she realizes he would have bigger obligations. He has meetings scheduled in D.C. If he missed his flight, he would be focusing on rescheduling them. He would be focused on rescheduling his flight. He wouldn't be focused on her.

It's been thirty minutes since she's known. Thirty minutes. If he's at the airport, he knows. He could have called. He could have called to tell her that he wasn't on the plane.

_He has to be on the plane, _Meredith thinks illy.

She wants to go to the airport. There's nothing stopping her. Well, other than the fact she's a surgeon, and she's supposed to be saving lives right now. She doesn't know who else knows that Derek is supposed to be on this plane. Maybe Owen. He's the chief. He's supposed to know where his doctors are at all times. _Owen_. Meredith thinks. She wonders how he's doing. It's not even been twenty-four hours since Cristina left. She hasn't texted Meredith since she said goodbye. Meredith had hoped that Cristina would at least text her to tell her she landed in Zurich, but she hasn't yet.

_Poor Owen, _Meredith thinks, thinking he must be hurting right now. He has enough on his mind; she doubts the fact that _Derek Shepherd_, former Head of Neurosurgery at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, may possibly be a casualty in this accident.

"No," Meredith tells Amelia, taking her cell phone out of her pocket, and she presses Derek's name under contacts. It rings five times, and then she hears his voicemail. _You've reached Derek Shepherd. I'm not available right now, so leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can. _She doesn't leave a message. She shakes her head grimly at Amelia.

"It rang, right?" Amelia asks. Meredith nods. "Well, if his phone was smashed in a plane crash, it wouldn't be ringing. It would've gone straight to voicemail. And you know how easily phones smash nowadays. Any little impact and they're in shambles, so I can imagine what a plane crash will do to a cell phone…"

Meredith sighs, knowing Amelia has a point, but she still doesn't want to get her hopes up. It's easier to believe Derek is dead and find out he's really alive than to believe he's alive and find out he's dead. Then she's better prepared for the morbid reality.

_Though, no amount of preparation can truly prepare her to hear her husband is dead._

* * *

Smoke infuses the area as Derek approaches the scene of the plane crash. The clouds are black. It's the scene of death. Ambulances are coming from all directions as he sees injured people wandering around aimlessly. He sees men and women lying on the ground. These are the people who have managed to evacuate the plane. He looks at the plane, wondering who _didn't _escape. The whole back end of the plane is in shambles. There's no way anyone in the back cabin of the plane survived.

He approaches a man who's moaning in pain.

"Mer," Derek realizes the man is moaning. He does a double take. The man moans again, "Mer."

_His ears are buzzing. His back presses against the ground. A twig is digging its way into his back. He doesn't know what's just happened. His eyes are heavy, he wants to close them, but he hears her voice. At first he thinks it's a hallucination, but then he hears her call his name again much louder. "DEREK!" _

"_Meredith," he mumbles. His voice is weak. He is weak. His muscles ache as he tries to get up, but he ends up falling right back to the ground. He's stuck. _

_He needs to get to her. She sounds scared. He tries to get up again, but he can't. There's something holding him down, and he can't feel his fingers in his left hand. He looks to his left and is astonished by what he sees. His hand's circulation is being cut off by a piece of the plane. _

"What's your name?" Derek bends over to help the man. There's a deep gash in the man's forehead, and blood is gushing out.

"I-I-I need to find her," the man stammers. "Where is she?" Tears cover the man's wounded face. Cuts and abrasions cover him from head to toe. "I need my wife."

"What's your wife's name?" Derek asks.

"Meredith," the man says just before he loses consciousness. Derek's heart falls into his stomach. He just happens to be helping a man whose wife has the same name as his. What are the damn odds of that?

* * *

The Emergency Room is in chaos. The first round of survivors have started to arrive. Some have minor injuries. Others are burnt badly. Meredith scopes the E.R., hoping she'll see Derek, but she doesn't.

Owen is nowhere in sight. Instead, it's Richard Webber who speaks up to explain the situation. He says they've been asked to send a team to the airport to help search and rescue collect survivors. They believe a number of people are still trapped inside the plane. It is unknown how many are alive.

_Derek. _Meredith thinks. Could he be one of the persons trapped inside the plane? Is that why he hasn't called her? Is that why he isn't answering his phone? _Oh, Derek, _Meredith thinks.

"I'll go," Meredith immediately volunteers. She locks eyes with Richard; his face instantly drains of all emotion as he meets eyes with Meredith. Meredith swallows.

"Actually, Meredith…" Richard starts.

"I'm going," she says adamantly. She sees _pain _in Richard's eyes. Does he know about Derek? She knows Richard and Derek are kind of friends, so it's possible that he suspects. Meredith doesn't know what else can explain the terror that plasters Richard Webber's face right now.

"I'll go with you, Mer," Amelia offers. She stands next to Meredith; her face is a pasty white color. Pale. All the color has been sucked from it. Even though she says she's convinced Derek wasn't on the plane, Meredith can see the fear in her sister-in-law's face. She's scared. Deep down, Meredith is sure Amelia knows that the odds are Derek was in fact on the plane. The odds are that he's dead. Meredith just knows. She can feel it.

_Karma. Freaking karma. _

"I'll go too," a soft voice says from across the room. Meredith turns her head and groans when she sees it's the new Head of Cardio. Meredith can't remember her name off the top of her had. Frankly, she doesn't care either. Meredith knows she has no reason to hate this Cardio chick, but the simple fact is she's not Cristina. She'll never be Cristina. Meredith has no reason to like or to hate her. Hell, she's indifferent. This surgeon is just another doctor in this freaking hospital who's here to save lives. She's nothing special. Nothing extraordinary. Meredith has no reason to care.

Meredith doesn't notice Richard Webber walk over to her. His voice is muffled, so just she can hear him, "We should talk…"

"Don't have time. You don't need to worry about me, Dr. Webber. There are lives to save," Meredith tells Richard hastily. _Derek. She needs to find Derek. _Derek. He's the only thing on her mind. "Let's go," she rolls her eyes and motions for Amelia and the new Cardio chick to follow her.

* * *

**A/N: So I was contemplating if I should even bring the whole Maggie storyline into this story at all, but I had a few requests to do it; and since Meredith's at the hospital, it's only going to be a matter of time before she encounters Maggie as it is. I certainly have no intention of having it overshadow anything MerDer-related, though. Also, as to be expected from me, Amelia will play a prominent role in this story.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out. It was kind of a bitch to write, but I think it turned out okay (of course you'll be the judges of that). Also, Maggie might come off as a bit dimwitted, but that's all intentional. I'm just assuming she has no idea about Meredith, and I'll try to justify why.**

* * *

Derek's focus has shifted to saving this man's life. This man whose name he doesn't know, but his wife's name is Meredith. His wife is nowhere in sight. Derek is providing the man CPR as a paramedic arrives and helps lift the man onto a gurney. His pulse is weak. Derek looks around at the chaos. So many others are injured and crying for help. This man's wife might be one of them.

Derek explains to the paramedics that the man's name is unknown; he's a John Doe. Derek then insists he gets back to the others who are suffering.

"They're sending a team of surgeons to help," a female paramedic explains. Derek instantly recognizes her. She has dark skin and dark brown hair. He believes her name is Nicole. "You should stay with him, Dr. Shepherd. What are you doing here anyway?"

"It's a long story," Derek responds harshly and jumps in the ambulance, he takes one more look around the scene, wondering how the hell this has happened. He looks at the shattered plane and all the injured people. Is this really _the _plane he was supposed to be on? Derek gulps. The door closed literally a second before he arrived at the gate. If he hadn't turned to look at the Meredith-clone, he would have been on that plane. If he hadn't forgotten to take his pocket knife out of his pocket, he would have been on that plane. If there hadn't been an accident on his way to the airport, he would have been on that plane. If he hadn't forced Meredith to take a shower with him this morning, he would have been on that plane. All those little things add up to him missing his flight. It was uncanny, surreal, and unbelievable. Someone was apparently looking out for him.

Derek had been raised in a strong Catholic family. He had attended Mass with his mother, father, and sisters until he was twelve years old. That was the year his father was shot and the year he lost his faith. His mother, though, never lost hers. She would always say, "Everything happens for a reason. It was your father's time." Derek never truly understood what she meant. Why would God strip his father from his life when he was still only a boy? He still had so much growing up to do, so much to learn. He'd just hit puberty. He knew nothing about being a man. He needed a father. If God was so great, couldn't he see that? What kind of God stripped a twelve-year-old boy's father from him _right in front _of his eyes?

"_It was his time, Derek," _his mother's voice echoes in Derek's head. His heart aches at the memory. He's never understood.

The past seven years of Derek's life have been full of strange, near-death experiences. He and Meredith have survived a large number of horrible things. Meredith was nearly blown up by a bomb, she drowned, he was shot, they both were in a plane crash, she almost died in childbirth, and now he missed a plane crash by literally a millisecond. It was all uncanny. Life kept throwing them into disastrous situations, or near-disastrous situations, and they kept _surviving. _

_It's not your time, _Derek thinks. For once, he thinks he understands what his mother means. _It was his time. _Derek's dad's death affected him in so many ways. He entered manhood without a father. It changed the course of his life forever. He is who he is because his father was taken from him at such a young age. _Everything happens for a reason, Derek, _he hears his mother's voice.

He has so much more to live for, and the idea of Zola and Bailey going through life without a father terrifies him. They're so young. Much younger than Derek was when his father died. Zola is two years younger than Amelia was when their father died. Derek's heart whelms with pain, thinking of how their father's death affected Amy. Amy barely remembers him. She was only five when he died. She was the baby of the family, and she grew up in a house where their mother wasn't always bright and shiny. Carolyn Shepherd used to be a happy, bubbly person all the time - inside and out - and she still puts on a show. She doesn't want others to feel her pain.

Derek remembers the deep depression their mother entered after his dad died. She would lock herself in her room for hours, leaving Derek to occupy Amy; he tried to protect her, to keep her away from their mother's room so she wouldn't see their mother in pain. She'd ask, _"Where's Mommy?" _ and he'd tell her that she's busy. Amy always sought attention, which is probably what led her to spiral down the slope that she did. She wanted attention.

The thought of Zola or Bailey going down that path aches just to think about. He wants so much more for them. They deserve to have a better life. They deserve to have both their parents in their lives. Meredith of all people understands what it's like to grow up in a broken home. He can't imagine why she would even consider the possibility of him moving to D.C. and her and the kids staying in Seattle. She says she doesn't want to turn into her mother or father, but yet her mother picked her up and took her across the country from her father. It doesn't seem right to put their kids through the same situation.

He knows she's not Ellis or Thatcher, and he knows she would never take the kids and not let him see them. But still. The concept is the same.

_Damn it, Meredith, _he thinks as the ambulance pulls up to Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. He's with Paramedic Nicole when she announces the John Doe. He sees Richard Webber standing next to April Kepner and Jackson Avery as they begin to wheel the patient into the E.R.

"What are you doing here, Shepherd?" Dr. Webber asks, looking perplexed.

"I was supposed to be on that plane," Derek says gravely.

"Y-You were...what?" Richard drops his jaw, dumbfounded.

"Where's Meredith?" Derek spits. _She thinks he was in the plane. She thinks he's trapped in the rubble. _He needs her to know he's here, that he's okay, that he missed his plane.

"I sent her to the scene of the accident with your sister and Dr. Pierce," Richard responds. The men lock eyes, nerve-racking expressions plague their faces, c_rap. _"I-I didn't know, Derek. I didn't know you were leaving for D.C. today."

"Let me use your cell phone," Derek demands, just as an intern interrupts him.

"Dr. Shepherd, we need a neuro consult," the intern tells him. Derek exhales and turns to Richard.

"Please, call Mer and tell her I'm here," Derek tells Richard, then he follows after the intern.

* * *

What do a general surgeon, a neurosurgeon, and a cardiothoracic surgeon talk about in the back of an ambulance on their way to the sight of a plane crash? Meredith has no interest in finding out. All she can think about is her husband lying immobilized, in a pile of debris, badly injured or worse...dead. _Dead. He's dead, _she can't shake the thought.

_She trembled, panting hard and gripping tightly onto Cristina's hand, when she saw the gunman standing across the foyer with his gun pointed directly at Derek. "Oh, my God. Oh, God," she gasped. Her head was spinning as she witnessed her husband try to reason with the man holding a gun to him. _

"_Mr. Clark," she heard Derek say._

"_Shut up. No talking. You're not the man here. I'm the man. I'm the man" Mr. Clark spat, breathing heavily. Derek froze. She could see the fear and sadness in his eyes. Mr. Clark's voice shook, "I told my wife I would be. I'm the man...and a man looks after his wife. But I didn't. I let you decide that she should die. I wasn't a man then. But I'm a man now." _

_Meredith gasped, panting. Cristina's arm was around her shoulder. All Meredith could think was 'He's gonna shoot Derek. He's gonna shoot Derek right in front of me, and he doesn't even know about the baby. No, no, no. Derek is gonna die.' She wanted to run toward him. She wanted to save him. Cristina held onto her. _

"_What kind of hospital is this?" Mr. Clark cried. "It isn't safe here. Somebody has to protect people… from you… handing down judgments like you're God."_

"_Mr. Clark, please…" Derek pled. _

"_You don't get to be GOD!" Mr. Clark roared. _

"_Pl-" Derek tried to interrupt._

_"NO TALKING!" barked Mr. Clark. _

_Meredith couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. Her heart was pounding against her chest wall. Derek was gonna die. This man - Mr. Clark - was gonna kill Derek. Derek. Her husband. The love of her life. The father of her child. _

"_Mr. Clark, listen to me," Derek pleaded slowly. "I know your loss. I lost my father when I was a kid. For his watch. Two guys killed my father for his watch right in front of me. Right in front of me." Derek nodded. She saw his eyes just slightly move toward her and Cristina. He knew Meredith was there. Meredith swallowed, trying to steady her breathing, but she couldn't. Was she about to witness her husband's death, just like Derek had witnessed his father's? Derek was it. Derek was her family. Derek and Cristina. Without them...without them she had no one. "I didn't become a doctor because I wanted to be God. I became a doctor because I wanted to save lives. Look at me. Please. Look at me in the eye. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. I'm flawed. We all are. Today, I think for you, it's just a mistake. You want justice. You want somebody to pay. You're a good man. I can see that in your eyes. Can you see it in mine? Can you?" Derek spoke slowly, and Mr. Clark started to lower his gun. Meredith's breathing slowed as she inched closer to Derek, Cristina still gripping on tightly to her. _

_Mr. Clark exhaled deeply. _

_And then...Kepner rushed out and it all happened in slow motion…. _

Cristina isn't here to hold her now. No. She sees Amelia fiddling with her thumbs. Amelia seems nice, but Meredith barely knows her. She's Derek's little sister, and Meredith can't imagine the overwhelming guilt she must be feeling about right now. _Derek is a good man, _she thinks. That's why he didn't want to leave her this morning. He was overwhelmed with guilt. _He'll choose his family over his career, _Meredith thinks, though she would never ask him to give up such an opportunity. Just a few hours ago, they were fighting about the possibility of living on separate ends of the country. Now, Meredith's thoughts are plagued with the possibility she might never see her husband alive again.

_He could have missed the flight, _she thinks about Amelia's theory. She turns her head and gazes into Amelia's eyes. She sees sadness, worry, guilt.

"It's awful, isn't it?" the new cardio chick declares. Meredith and Amelia both stare blankly at her. "The plane accident, I mean."

"Yeah," Amelia mumbles. "Awful." She rests her hand on Meredith's shoulder. Meredith sighs, thinking about Cristina. It's something Cristina would have done in this situation to comfort he.

"Hey, you're Dr. Shepherd's little sister, right?" the cardio chick asks.

"Um, I'm Dr. Shepherd," Amelia responds slyly. "My brother is also Dr. Shepherd, but I do not respond to _Dr. Shepherd's little sister_." Amelia rolls her eyes.

"Right. Sorry. I've just heard so much about this Dr. Shepherd guy, and I heard some interns talking about how his little sister had recently transferred here recently. I don't mean offense. I just started here a couple weeks ago, so I don't really know anyone at all," the cardio chick explains. "I'm Maggie, by the way. Dr. Maggie Pierce." She then turns to Meredith. "You were friends with Dr. Yang, right? I saw you two together a lot."

"Um…" before Meredith can respond, she feels her phone vibrating in her pocket. Meredith inhales an exasperated breath and takes her phone out. _Incoming call from Richard Webber_; Dr. Webber's photo fills the screen. Her heart stops as she stares in awe at the phone. Her thumb locks up, frozen, unable to swipe the phone. Is it possible Richard is calling her about Derek? Have they found him? _He's probably calling to check up on you, _Meredith thinks in disgust. She groans.

"Who is it?" Amelia asks.

"I-It's Richard," she stammers, wondering why the Hell Richard Webber is calling her in the middle of this crisis.

"Well, are you gonna answer the phone?" Amelia asks. "I mean, it could be important." Meredith shakes her head. Amelia reaches to take Meredith's phone out of her hand, but Meredith pulls it away and lets the call go to voicemail.

"He thinks because he banged my mother, he's my father or something," Meredith says dryly. "I bet you anything he was calling to check up on me. If it were something important, he would have sent it in a page."

"You still should have answered the call," Amelia insists.

Meredith scowls. She's not really in the mood to hear what she _should _and _should not _be doing. She notes the perplexed look on Maggie Pierce's face.

"Richard Webber, the older general surgeon attending?" Amelia and Meredith both stare blankly at her, both uncertain if she's asking a question or making a statement. "He slept with your mom?"

"Gee, I thought everyone in the medical community knew about the chronicles of Ellis Grey and Richard Webber," Meredith retorts, knowing that it's no secret that her famous mother had an affair. Through reading her mother's diaries, Meredith had discovered that everyone in the world had known about the affair except, that is, her daughter Meredith Grey. Of course, Meredith wasn't even _mentioned _in the journals. It was as if Ellis Grey failed to acknowledge she had a daughter. It was like she didn't _want _people to know that she had one. Over the course of the last year, as she'd begun working on continuing her mother's research, Meredith had discovered her name not mentioned even once during any of her publications. Her father's name had come up once, listed as her ex-husband. Though, she mentioned Richard Webber on numerous occasions in her publications. The affair was clear as day to the naked eye. Ellis Grey loved Richard. Meredith wasn't so certain she loved her daughter. Meredith wanted to _believe _that Ellis had loved her in her own way, but Ellis Grey had made that very difficult to believe.

Maggie freezes; the complexion drains from her face. "E-Ellis Grey was your mother?" she stammers.

Before Meredith can respond, the ambulance makes a sudden stop and Meredith comes to a striking realization: They're at the airport. _Derek, _Meredith thinks.

Her stomach churns as she exits the ambulance. The sky is black as coal. Smoke rises from the mangled aircraft. The smell of death. Her heart feels heavy. _Derek_. "Derek!" she yells, ambushing toward the shattered aircraft without stopping to communicate with search and rescue or anyone at the scene. She sees bodies lying everywhere - dead bodies. Covers are draped over the corpses. She moves the covers to check every face that she passes, but she doesn't see Derek. She begins digging through piles of debris, where she finds more corpses. _Oh, God, _she thinks as she looks at the still body of a little girl who can't be much older than Zola. She swallows a bit of vomit that makes its way up her esophagus.

It's then in the distance she hears a muffled voice, "Help." _Someone's alive. _Someone is _alive_. "Over here!" Meredith calls, signaling for someone to come help her. "Someone's alive over here!" The air is still. "SOMEONE'S ALIVE!" _Derek? _

She sees Amelia running toward her. "Is it Derek?" Amelia spits out. Her skin is pale, her eyes are bloodshot; she's been crying. She's panting. "Because I'm not seeing a whole lot of life out here. The survivors have all been taken by ambulance already." She is breathing heavily. "Oh, God."

"Keep it together, Amelia," Meredith tells her sister-in-law, knowing she's being a hypocrite in telling her to keep it together, since she is barely keeping it together herself. She hears the muffled voice again. _Help! _ "Listen," Meredith demands, and she hears the voice again. She can't tell if it's male or female. She moves toward the sound, Amelia follows.

"HELP!" she hears the voice clearly and then sees a piece of the rubble moving.

"Someone's stuck underneath this pile of rubble," Amelia gasps. She kneels down and tries to lift up a fragment of what looked like it was made of metal. She pants heavily. "It's too heavy. Help me, Mer." Meredith bends over and grips onto the hard surface.

"Careful," Meredith says softly, realizing it's part of the wing that they're lifting. _Lexie was trapped under a wing, _her stomach twists and turns as she pictures Derek underneath. _Please be Derek, _she thinks as she and Amelia use all their strength to move the wing to the side, revealing a person: A woman who most certainly isn't Derek.

* * *

"We've got a bleeder! I need suction!" Derek instructs his intern. He's looking at an open brain on his table. This is most certainly _not _how Derek Shepherd had planned on spending his day. He is supposed to be on his way to Washington D.C. He's supposed to be on a plane. The irony of it all, though, is if he _had _been on the plan right now, he could be the one on this table right now or worse. He could be dead. There have been fatalities in this crash. He doesn't know how many, but he was at the airport. It didn't look good. And now Meredith is there without him, possibly thinking the worst. Derek knows Meredith. She can be an optimist when she wants to be, but in situations like these, she's known to resort to dark and twisty thoughts. Especially given the fight they'd had before he'd left.

She'll think it's karma. She'll blame herself. He doesn't want her to blame herself, but she will. She needs to know he's okay, or she'll drive herself insane. Derek knows his wife all too well.

Though, he has bigger issues at hand: Surely word of the plane crash has reached D.C., so the President shouldn't be surprised when he doesn't arrive. He wouldn't have arrived anyway. That doesn't change the fact that he's missing his missing: A _very _important meeting that could change the face of the future of brain mapping. It's a meeting he was looking very much forward to until Meredith clouded his judgment.

_Why does it matter, Derek? _He thinks. He's still struggling to realize that he might be _dead _now if it weren't for Meredith. Yet, he's still worrying about his absence at this meeting. How many neurosurgeons get to meet face-to-face with the President of the United States? One. Him. Derek Christopher Shepherd. He's the only neurosurgeon in the country that has direct involvement with this project. The fact that he's even gained recognition to be valuable to be part of the initiative is a miracle in itself. The fact that they want him to _run _and _be in charge _is a damn godsend. Most people neurosurgeons are lucky to even receive state recognition. To receive national recognition by the President of the United States himself was truly remarkable. It just doesn't happen, and it's not something you give up lightly.

_Even for the woman you love? _

Derek's heart weighs heavily while he is looking into this man's brain, trying to find the source of the bleed. Brain surgery. It's something he did in and day out for over a decade. He went to medical school, he completed a surgical residency, he completed a neuro fellowship, he started a private practice with his wife and best friend, then he found his best friend in bed with his wife and everything changed. His world fell apart, or so that's what he'd thought during the week he spent driving across the country with all his things in tow while he camped in random campgrounds in his brand new Airstream trailer. That's what he thought when he arrived in Seattle, Washington, nearly three thousand miles away from his home in New York.

Then he met her. _Meredith_. He hadn't known when he stepped into Joe's Bar on that fateful night his life would change forever. He hadn't known that he would _find _his life on that night. His heart was broken, and he needed something to fix it. He hadn't intended on striking up a conversation with anyone. He'd planned to sit in the corner of the bar and have a few drinks and feel sad. Then he saw her. _Meredith_. He couldn't not talk to her.

Sometimes he thinks about how his life would be so different now if he hadn't talked to her. If he had just stayed in his corner with his drink, talking to no one. He could have just stayed back and stared at her all night - she was certainly easy on the eyes. He was by no means obligated to talk to her. When he had approached her, he certainly hadn't expected for the night to lead them back to her house_, _and he most certainly hadn't expected to find out she was his intern the next day. What if he hadn't talked to her in the bar that night? What if hadn't said a word to her all night?

He still would have met her the next day. He still would have found her undeniably beautiful. Would they still be married? Would they still have two beautiful children?

The thought crosses Derek's mind all the time, but the truth is, he'll never know. He only wishes he could go back and change what happened next. He wishes he could have told Meredith about Addison sooner. He wishes he could have stopped Addison from coming to Seattle and ruining everything for the time being. He wishes he could get all the time he and Meredith had lost back, but he couldn't. Everything had worked out the way it had for a reason. They'd both grown and learned from the experience.

_He needs her. _

Derek gulps as he spots the source of the bleed. "Clamp!" he orders, and the intern hands him a clamp; Derek presses the clamp tightly on the vessel, stopping the source of the bleed.

But his heart still bleeds.

The O.R. door swings open. He sees Richard.

"How's it going?" Richard asks; his mouth is covered with a mask.

"Just clamped the bleed," Derek responds. "Did you talk to Meredith?"

"She didn't answer, but I left her a voicemail, so she'll know you're all right," Richard tells Derek. "I just wanted to see how you were doing here."

"Just fine," Derek says hastily. "What happened to Owen? I thought he was the chief?"

"I'll always be the chief," Dr. Webber responds in a deep voice.

"Yeah, okay, but formally, Owen Hunt is the chief of surgery. Where the hell is he?" Derek demands.

"He didn't show up today," Richard says grimly. "I think he's really hurting right now. You know, Yang's gone now. I was thinking about going out to the trailer to check on him later."

"Oh," Derek says. "I have to close this guy up." He looks at the John Doe, wondering if _he _has a wife, kids, and a family who loves him.

* * *

"Ow," the woman moans as the paramedics lift her onto a stretcher. Her face is swollen and bruised; she's barely recognizable. She has dark-grey hair; Meredith puts her in her mid-fifties. It's a miracle she's even alive and conscious. She is mumbling, "It's his fault. All his fault."

"Ma'am, what's your name?" Meredith stands by her. Beside her, Amelia's face is soaked in tears.

"He's dead," Meredith hears Amelia mumbling. "You were right. You were right."

"Shut up," Meredith hisses at her sister-in-law. Right now, she is focused on the woman whose life they've just saved.

"It's his fault," the woman repeats. "It's his fault."

"It's whose fault?" Meredith asks desperately, following the woman and the paramedics to the ambulance. "Whose fault is it?"

"My husband's," the woman finally says. Her eyes open and she exhales sharply, then grunts. "Ow. I never wanted to come here. I hate it here. It's his damn fault. We never would have been here. Now I'm gonna die, aren't I? Ow!"

The woman isn't making a whole lot of sense to Meredith.

"You're not gonna die," Meredith says. "You're gonna be fine."

"Meredith," Amelia groans.

"What?" the woman and Meredith both respond.

Meredith raises an eyebrow. "Your name is Meredith too?" she asks. The woman blinks, not answering the question.

"Mmmm. It's his fault. I never wanted to move here," she whispers hoarsely as the paramedic lifts her into the ambulance.

"I'm gonna stay with you," Meredith tells the woman then turns back toward Amelia. "Go find that Dr. Pierce or whatever her name is."

"You're leaving me here alone?" Amelia asks; her eyes are watery.

"You'll be fine," Meredith tells her as she glances at her phone, noting she has a missed voicemail. Her stomach lurches when she sees it's from Richard, and without a second thought, Meredith listens to the voice mail.

"_Meredith, it's Richard. I just wanted to let you know that Derek's here at the hospital. He wanted me to let you know."_

"Derek's at the hospital!" Meredith gasps, looking at Amelia. _But Richard hadn't said anything about Derek's condition. Does he need surgery? _Surely, if he needs surgery, Richard would have had mentioned it. She would need to know. After all, she's his wife - his health directive. _He wanted me to let you know_. That means he's conscious. A weight lifts off Meredith's chest. Her husband is alive.

"Oh, my God. Get in the ambulance!" Amelia orders, following Meredith into ambulance. "Forget Dr. Pierce. She can find her way back."

"Feisty," Meredith smiles, warmth fills her body. _Derek is alive. _She looks over the woman - apparently named Meredith - as a paramedic supplies her with oxygen.

"I never wanted to move here," the other Meredith mumbles bitterly. "Never let a man tell you what to do. They think they know everything, but they don't know shit." The heart monitor begins to beat erratically.

"She's in V-fib!" Meredith declares. "Get the paddles!"

* * *

Derek hovers outside John Doe's hospital room waiting for him to wake up. He's thinking about what he's going to do. First things first, he needs to get a ride to the airport so he can get into his car. He's almost certain that his phone is in his car. He needs that. Then he's going to visit the lost and found at the airport and hope his carry-on luggage is there. He realizes he left his briefcase and luggage at the airport. Luckily, neither have confidential papers in them. The NIH doesn't permit confidential papers outside of their offices, so he can only access them through computerized technology. However, his password protected iPad is in his brief case. It would suck to lose that. When the plane crashed and he saw the smoke, obviously he wasn't thinking clearly. Everyone had broken into panic. He hadn't had time to think. Hopefully, his personal items hadn't gotten into the wrong hands.

What he will do after he has done that is all up in the air. He needs to call the NIH to let them know he's alive and well. He doesn't know what to do next, though. Does he rearrange his meetings? Or does he tell them he's done? That he's staying in Seattle?

His heart aches as he thinks back to the surgery he's just completed, as he looks at John Doe struggle to regain consciousness after a massive brain surgery. This was his daily route, day in and day out, for years. He was content doing it too. But now he's seen the other side of this, and the grass _is _greener on the other side. He has the possibility to make history. He's saved thousands of lives with his surgical skill, and many of those lives were told by other neurosurgeons that their tumors were inoperable. He's been the last resort to many. Yet, he's killed more people than he's saved, and those are the lives that stick with him. Those are the patients that haunt his dreams at night. Those are the ones he remembers at the end of the day, not the lives he's saved but the ones he's lost. He wants to delve much deeper into science, into research, to help lives that would have otherwise been lost be saved. He wants to find a cure for the seemingly impossible.

This is his opportunity to do that. To do the great. To do the impossible. He can't go back and save the people that he's lost, but he can find a cure for their diseases so others with the same conditions won't have to die in the same miserable way.

This is it.

But Meredith. She complicates things. She is, well, complicated. She makes his life complicated. But he loves her so damn much, which is where things get even more difficult.

"Mm," Derek hears the man stirring. Derek's eyes widen and a smile breaks his face as he rushes into the room.

"You're awake," Derek grins, leaning over John Doe's head, watching as he opens his eyes. This is always a powerful moment, when a brain surgery patient opens their eyes for the first time. It's a moment that makes his heart warm with joy, knowing that he's saved another life. Knowing that he's had another successful surgery. Success is certainly more thrilling than failure.

Yet, it's our failures that stick with us. It's our failures that keep us up at night. Derek looks into the man's bright blue eyes and realizes he doesn't even know this man's name, but he's saved his life, and the sad, startling truth is, there's a chance that in another five or ten years, Derek is unlikely to remember this surgery. It won't be something that crosses his mind before he goes to bed. No, he'll still think of Jeremy. The twelfth patient to die in his clinical trial. The boy he and Meredith had guarded the door for so he and his girlfriend, Beth, could lose their virginities.

"_I've never in my life got a patient laid," Derek said, standing next to Meredith. His heart weighed heavy in his chest, just like it did every time he was with her. He was with Rose. Rose wanted a stable relationship. She wanted what he wanted. And yet, all he could think about was his tongue in Meredith's mouth. He thought about Beth and Jeremy. He was jealous of them. They both could die soon, and yet, he was jealous of them because they had each other. They were with each other in that moment, touching each other, exploring each other's bodies freely. He was standing right next to Meredith Grey, the woman he loved, and he could barely look at her without aching. He couldn't touch her, which he longed so badly to do. _

"_It's really sweet," Meredith replied smoothly. He grinned, and then glanced over at her. She blushed, and he noticed her hand on her hip._

"_Yentas," he said, laughing. _

"_They're so in love," she said. He couldn't look at her. He smiled, fantasizing deeply about Meredith. How he longed to hold her again. How he longed to kiss her. How he longed to let his hands explore her body and make her moan._

"_Oh, yeah," he said. _

"_It's all new and fresh and exciting," Meredith pointed out with a dreamy smile on her face._

"_I've never been a fan of new," Derek retorted, picturing his lips on Meredith's sensitive collarbone and her moaning his name. "I like to know the person, their bodies, what makes them moan." _

_Meredith blushed, as if she knew he was talking about her, as if maybe she, too, was picturing the spots that make him moan. _

Jeremy died and Beth lived. Beth was the first in their clinical trial to live. Twelve people had died before Beth. Twelve. But those twelve had saved hundreds of lives since then, after Derek and Meredith's trial was published and surgeons worldwide started to use treatment to shrink malignant gliomas.

_It was because of her, _Derek thinks. Meredith had pushed and pushed him to do that trial. He'd been hesitant, and he hadn't wanted to operate on Beth after Jeremy died, but Meredith was persistent. She was passionate. And it's because of her that Beth was alive somewhere today. It's because of her that trial has been able to save hundreds since.

She's a brilliant surgeon. Meredith has her mother's talent, and she has the potential to be an extraordinary surgeon. Though, he hasn't seen her as passionate about anything since that trial. He was the one who was frustrated and discouraged. She was the light. The sun.

It doesn't help that everyone's been discouraging her, either, he realizes. She printed a fork last fall, and everyone laughed at her. Slowly, her passion and fire has been dwindling, and the negativity of others around her has played a huge role in that. Plus, he broke a promise to her. He knows it's awful. He knows he's part to blame for her frustration.

Derek is looking into the patient's eyes as they open wide.

"Where am I?" the man mumbles hoarsely.

"You're in a hospital, sir," Derek explains, performing quick neuro exam. The man's pupils shrink, just like they're supposed to, when he shines the penlight in his eyes. "Can you tell me your name?"

"I-It's Darrell," Darrell says. "Where's Meredith? My wife."

"Darrell, what's the last thing you remember?" Derek asks, and he sees the man's eyes widen. He then closes his eyes and then inhales a deep breath of air.

"My head is killing me," Darrell mumbles.

"You just had brain surgery," Derek explains. "That's normal. We'll give you a painkiller to help with the pain."

"She's yelling at me. It's my fault that she wasn't there," Darrell closes his eyes.

"Wasn't where?" Derek is confused.

"I made her move here...to Seattle," the man's eyes glisten. "I-I got a job that paid more money than I'd ever seen in my life about ten years ago, so I moved my family here. She didn't want to leave her family behind, but she came for me. She was miserable...the kids both go to college on the East Coast, because they always hated it here too. I-It's my fault that she wasn't there with her mother during her final years, and she's going to resent me for the rest of our lives." His face freezes. "She's dead, isn't she?"

Derek feels overwhelmed with guilt as he listens to the man's story.

"I don't know, Darrell. I'll go see what I can find out," Derek promises the man.

* * *

Meredith holds onto the other Meredith's hand as the paramedic brings her into the E.R. She's stable and awake, and continually mumbling about how it's _his _fault. Meredith's thoughts are scattered all over the place. She's glancing around the E.R., hoping to catch sight of Derek, but she's also focused on her patient.

_It's his fault. I never wanted to move here. _Meredith doesn't know the story behind this woman's words, but it sounds like she's talking about her husband. Did her husband make her move to Seattle? Did something happen in her hometown that put her and her husband on this plane? It all sounds crazy and oddly familiar. They're the words she's fantasized _herself _saying, if she were to in fact move to D.C. and support Derek.

She looks at the other Meredith and thinks, _Could this be me in fifteen years? _ The woman's name just also happens to be Meredith. Not that Meredith is the most uncommon name in the world, although. She hasn't met many Merediths during her life; her third grade teacher is the only other person who comes to mind.

"_Never let a man tell you what to do. They think they know everything, but they don't know shit."_

And then she looks up and sees him standing in his navy blue scrubs, and his favorite ferryboat scrub cap wrapped around his head.

"Derek!" Meredith's heart pounds vigorously against her chest wall as she runs toward her husband and flings her arms around his neck.


	8. Chapter 8

Time stands still. The boisterous ER noise fades into the background, Meredith feels a sense of relief go through every limb in her body as she clings tightly onto Derek's waist. "You're okay," she whispers then finally extends her arms and looks in his longing blue, dreamy eyes. He appears to be lost in thought. "I-I thought you were dead. Amelia and I...we were terrified that we were going to stumble over your body at the crash site, and then...then...I checked my voicemail. Richard said you were here. I assumed that meant...oh, God. You missed your flight." She exhales. She can't recall a time in her life that she's been more relieved. Derek is here. She is touching his warm flesh, and he's alive. He's not dead. Her heart beats rhythmically in her chest and all tension releases from her muscles.

"I did," he confesses, exfoliating air from his lungs. He smirks, running his hand down her arm. He wraps his hand around her tiny wrist, folds her hand into his, and then intertwines his fingers with hers. The heat from his hand radiates up her arm. "And I guess I have you to thank for that."

Her blonde ponytail bounces as she shakes her head. "I-I felt so bad this morning." She smirks. "It's funny how life works out sometimes, isn't it?" She runs her hands through his soft, curly hair and hugs him one more time, ceasing to acknowledge Amelia behind her.

"It is," he smiles. He pushes a strand of her long, honey hair behind her ear. "I wanted to call you myself, but it appears I left my phone in my car at the airport and then I had a surgery. I was on location when the crash happened, and I reacted immediately."

Meredith chuckles, shaking her head. "Of course: my husband, the hero." She proudly smiles at him, noting the glistening in his eyes. She wraps her arms around his waist again and presses her ear up against his chest; she listens to the sound of his heart beating, pumping warm blood through his veins.

"Amelia," she hears him say. She can hear his lungs vibrate as he speaks.

"You gave us quite a scare, Derek. Meredith was sure that you were dead. I told her you probably missed your flight - "

"Uh-hem," Meredith clears her throat, unwrapping her arms from Derek's waist and backing up as she recalls Amelia's breakdown at the crash site, and how she had needed to tell her to keep it together.

"And, uh, I may have had a slight panic attack at the plane crash site," Amelia confesses. "But it doesn't matter now. You're alive."

"I'm alive," Derek repeats, and before another word is spoken the sounds of a monitor beating erratically erupts the reunion.

"She's crashing!" a nurse yells. Meredith instantly turns in the direction of the noise, realizing it's the patient that she and Amelia have just brought in: the other Meredith. Amelia and Meredith both dash toward the patient.

"Crap, she's in cardiac arrest again!" Meredith shouts. "Get the - "

"Charge to four!" a voice interrupts before Meredith can manage to finish her sentence. Meredith cocks her head and sees Dr. Pierce ambushing toward the patient. She's giving the nurses orders as she pushes through Meredith and Amelia to get to the patient. The nurses obey her instructions and shock the other Meredith. A beep comes from the monitor, and soon the machine begins to sound a regular rhythm. Dr. Pierce turns toward Meredith and Amelia. "I'll take it from here."

"Excuse me, but she's our patient. We found her," Amelia protests.

Dr. Pierce's eyebrows furrow. She responds harshly, "I heard a paramedic say she went into cardiac arrest twice on the ambulance, and she just went into cardiac arrest again. I'd say that makes her my patient, not yours. Now, if you'll excuse me, you can back off."

Meredith is alarmed by the sudden change of disposition from the woman who had seemed to desperately crave friendly conversation on the ride to the plane crash site. "She might have internal bleeding - "

"If her scans indicate so, I'll page the appropriate department. I know the drill. Now back away from my patient, Doctor _Grey_," Dr. Pierce bitterly responds. Her eyes fixate on the lettering on Meredith's white coat. "Now, out of my way."

"Okay," Meredith mouths. She turns her head toward Amelia, who appears just as taken aback as she.

"Maybe she's bitter because we left her alone," Amelia jokes.

"Well, if that's the case, she has a lot of growing up to do, then," Meredith responds, shaking her head. She glares at Dr. Pierce as she rolls the other Meredith away. "Whose idea was it to hire her, anyway? She doesn't look a day over twenty-one."

"Didn't Cristina choose her own replacement?" Meredith realizes Derek is standing behind her.

Meredith shakes her head. "She didn't choose _her _replacement. She chose her boss's replacement," Meredith corrects.

"That would still mean she chose her," Derek shrugs. "You're questioning her judgment?"

"I doubt Cristina really cared who took the position. I mean, it's not like she has to deal with the person day in and day out. Plus, Owen had the final say. Speaking of which, where _is _Owen?" Richard had been giving orders earlier when the news of the crash broke, which in itself set off a red flag. Those who had been around long enough still see Richard Webber as the chief, but as a formality, Owen is the one who gives chiefly announcements._ Don't let Owen get all dark and twisty, _she remembers Cristina's words.

"Richard says he didn't show up today. Have you spoken to Cristina?" Derek asks. Meredith pulls out her phone, hoping to see a text or missed call from Cristina. But there's nothing. She shakes her head gloomily.

"Um, well, I'm going to go find a brain to cut into. Surely someone around here needs brain surgery," Amelia announces. She pats Derek's shoulder. "Don't scare us like that again, okay?"

"I'll try not to," Derek responds, and Amelia disappears just as Webber approaches the couple.

"Meredith, I've been looking for you," Webber proclaims. "Is now a good moment for us to talk?"

"Uh…" Meredith stammers, looking at Derek for some sort of guidance.

"I really need to go back to the airport. I got so caught up in saving lives that I managed to leave my briefcase. I _hope _it was turned into security, or I'm a dead man walking," Derek tells her. Meredith bites her lip. She doesn't find Derek's _dead man _comment the least bit amusing. "My car is at the airport, so I'll just take a cab. It's no big deal."

"Nonsense," Meredith declares. "I'll take you." She turns to Richard. "I'm sorry, but it's gonna have to wait until later."

Richard frowns. "Meredith - "

"Is it regarding a patient?" she asks. She can't imagine what Richard possibly wants to talk to her about. She suspects from the look on his face, though, that it's personal. He has that _fatherly _look in his eyes, like he does when he's checking up on her. She imagines he wants to check up on her, to see how she's fending without Cristina or something that's entirely none of his business. It's Richard Webber. She has a love and hate relationship with him. She hates how he destroyed her mother's heart. If there's one thing Meredith knows for sure, it's that Ellis Grey's love for Richard never died. Ellis Grey loved Richard until the day she died. How Richard truly felt about her mother is a whole other theory in itself. Meredith saw firsthand how Ellis was when she was with Richard. She was like a googly-eyed teenager. It was almost sickening, but she was happy. Meredith never saw her happy, ever, when she was growing up.

Richard broke her mother's heart, and for that, Meredith can't forgive him.

Yet, he'd apparently made some weird death-bed promise to Ellis to take care of her daughter, which Meredith doesn't understand in the slightest. Somehow, despite all that's happened, Richard has become her family. He's the closest thing she's ever had to a father. He's the closest thing her children have to a grandfather, since Thatcher is essentially out of the picture and Derek's father is dead. He made her his healthcare proxy. So, clearly, he trusts and cares about her. Their relationship is strange, but she has stopped questioning it. She understands that Richard cares about her, and she embraces that. After all, if it weren't for Richard, she wouldn't have a job. She owes him that much at least. He'd jeopardized his own career for her.

_Maybe he is your father, _Meredith remembers Alex's snide comment after she'd given birth to Bailey and she'd learned that Richard had put her as her health care proxy. He'd been electrocuted and needed surgery. Her hormones were completely out of whack, and her mind was all over the place. She wondered what the hell Richard had been thinking, designating _her _as his family. Alex's comment, of course, was completely absurd. Richard, as far as Meredith knew, had met Ellis when she was three. He _couldn't _be her father. Besides, as much as she hated to admit it, the family resemblance between her and Thatcher was uncannily evident.

"No," Richard responds, "but…"

"It can wait," Meredith says. She sighs and explains, "Look, I thought Derek was on that plane. And he wasn't, and now we need a moment."

"Okay," Richard sighs. "It can wait."

* * *

Derek just wants to hold Meredith's hand and never let go. He feels horrible for putting her through that terror. Her and Amelia both, that is. He knows the terror that must have ripped through their brains. They're the two people in Seattle who love him most, outside of his children. They're also stubborn. Neither should have been at that plane crash location. But alas, there was nothing he could do about it.

He sends Amelia a quick text and asks her to check up on Darrell's post-op. Then he walks hand in hand with Meredith to her car. She's quiet, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. He watches her from the corner of his eyes and notices her looking at him. Derek squeezes her hand.

"So, what do you think Richard wanted?" he asks, looking for conversation. He senses an awkward tension between them, given the insanity of the day's events. A little over twelve hours ago Meredith had told him that she was staying in Seattle, disrupting his perfect plans to relocate his family to Washington D.C. The fight is only a faint memory right now, yet he knows it's a subject they need to address.

She exhales. "I don't know. He had his daddy eyes on. I'm thinking he wants to see how I'm doing without Cristina," she groans.

_Cristina, _he thinks, his stomach turns, realizing it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since Meredith said her goodbyes to her best friend. For as long as he's known Meredith, he's been a third-wheel to her friendship with Cristina Yang. It's been frustrating, always coming in second on Meredith's priority list. Derek has never doubted that if Meredith had a choice to save either his life or Cristina's, he would be doomed. Though, he's watched Cristina and Meredith grow apart in recent years. Having Zola and then the plane crash brought them closer together. Still, Cristina is her person. Cristina understands her in ways that he never will. He feels horrible, putting her through all of this all within twenty-four hours post Cristina's departure. Cristina isn't dead, though, and surely they'll talk more often than not.

"You still haven't heard from her?" Derek asks; she looks at her phone and shakes her head.

"But you know, communication is a two-way street. I haven't texted her either. Maybe I should," she says; she looks at her phone one more time and then shakes her head. "You know what, I don't want to bother her. I'm sure she's getting settled in. I'll wait until later. We're both adults. We need to live our separate lives."

Derek shakes his head, chuckling. He can't believe he's hearing her say those words, because it's something he's wanted to her to realize for so long. She's his wife, yet she's always made her decisions with Cristina, not him, and it's always bothered him.

"You need to live your separate lives," Derek points out what Meredith has just said, as they approach her car. She unlocks the door and takes the driver's seat, leaving him the passenger seat. He sits down as she is already sticking the key in the ignition. "I guess that's why I thought you'd be ready to move on. Cristina moved on…"

She freezes. They're still in park. "Do we really have to talk about this now?" she snaps. "I thought you were dead, Derek, and now you're really going to bring up moving to D.C. again?"

"What? Did you think that I was going to just drop the subject entirely and decide to stay in Seattle? Wait, let me guess. You think the plane crash was a sign," Derek laughs, thinking that's the exact kind of thing that would run through Meredith's dark and twisty mind.

"Maybe it was," she says under her breath.

* * *

The last thing Meredith wants to do is argue with Derek right now, but he's mocking her and she doesn't appreciate it one bit. She drives out of the parking lot and starts heading toward the airport. The man she loves is sitting next to her. The man who, just an hour ago, she had convinced herself was dead, and now he's making fun of it. She can't believe his nerve.

"Look, I don't believe in coincidences," Meredith tells Derek. She's not religious. She never has been. She doesn't believe there is a right or wrong answer to life's happenings. She's always been skeptical about the unknown. She doesn't know if there is a higher power. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Maybe fate exists, maybe it doesn't. The world wasn't created from black and white scenarios. She can't know what she can't see, though. She believes in hardcore facts: Facts that cannot be denied. The fact is her husband was supposed to be on a plane that crashed, and he wasn't on it. The fact that he missed his flight must mean something, and she can't believe he's too blind to ignore such a fact. "Derek, you were supposed to be on that plane."

"I know," he says softly. "Meredith, I'm expected to be arriving in D.C. in about an hour."

"And I'm sure news about the crash has surged D.C. headlines by now, considering the flight was headed there. The president thinks you were on that plane, Derek. They're not going to be expecting you any time soon," Meredith says forcefully.

He sighs. "You have a point."

"I mean, as far as they know, you're dead," she tells him knowingly. The NIH knows no more than she knew an hour ago: that there was a crash and there were fatalities. She bites down on her lip; she is irritated because even when he's escaped death, all he can think about is his stupid job. She feels like her feelings mean nothing to him.

"Okay, you've made your point," Derek sighs. "But I'm not dead. I'm alive. And I still have this job offer, which I've already accepted. We still have a problem. We need to talk about it."

"I know!" she cries. "I know we have to talk about it. Believe me, I do. But for just one minute, I'd like to just drive and appreciate the fact that my husband isn't dead. We can talk about it later."

* * *

Now he feels terrible. He knows it was inappropriate to rehash their predicament, but he can't get it off his mind. It hasn't even occurred to him that there's no rush to contact the NIH, because they think he was on that plane and once he does contact them, then they'll know he wasn't on it. Well, they'll find out soon enough once the names of the survivors and fatalities are released. He has a lot of explaining to do. Though, if they want him bad enough, then his career isn't jeopardized, and from what he can tell, they want him pretty darn bad.

Of course they want him. The ideas he's pitched have been brilliant, and they know it. They _need _him more than he needs them. Their perception of the project was all wrong before he stepped in. BRAIN 2025 doesn't stand a chance without him on board. The concept is enthralling and mind boggling at best.

He watches Meredith's face as she focuses intently. She's so flamboyantly gorgeous, in a non-egotistical way. She's feisty, and he loves that about her. He's watched her grow from an anxious intern to a confident, outspoken attending. She even earned herself a nickname from her interns. _Medusa_. Derek finds the nickname hilarious, because the Meredith he's grown to love is quite the opposite. She's kind, sensitive, and loving. She cares for others more than she cares for herself. She's not Medusa, but it's funny to think that her students would be scared of her. If anything, that makes him proud. So, so proud.

"So," she begins, seeming to be stumbling for words to form a conversation. "Tell me about your patient. You said you were in surgery."

"I was," he says, thinking about Darrell. Darrell: The older man who was looking for his wife. _Meredith_. Derek had told Darrell that he'd see if he could find her. Derek had asked around, but no one in the hospital had seemed to know of any survivors from the crash named Meredith. "My patient was looking for his wife. Her name was Meredith. I think she may have perished in the crash."

"Meredith?" Meredith looks stunned. "You're sure?"

"Yeah," he says. "I know it's weird. And it gets weirder…"

"Amelia and I saved her," Meredith tells him.

"What?" Derek stops, confused.

"The patient that the new doctor stole from us, you know? Her name was Meredith," Meredith states.

"You're positive?" Derek questions.

"I think I'd remember a patient having the same name as me," Meredith laughs. "And yeah, she kept saying: _It's his fault _and _I never wanted to move here_. I'm not sure what she meant. She was pretty out of it, though. She kept arresting."

"I do," Derek says solemnly, remembering Darrell's story. "Her husband, my patient, had a job offer in Seattle about ten years ago. He made her come along, even though she didn't want to…" He stops. Meredith brakes at a stoplight. Her hands slip on the steering wheel.

"That's, um, an interesting story," she responds. "Too interesting."

Derek closes his eyes. He knows she sees the parallels. He's been avoiding them. He doesn't want to admit it, but when put into perspective, she has a point. He was supposed to be on the plane, but he wasn't. He bursts into laughter.

"What are you laughing at?" she asks immediately, as the light turns green and the car is in motion again.

"This morning," he laughs, "I wanted to stay home, with you. I didn't care if I made my flight. I just wanted to be with you, because I love you, Meredith. I love you and our children so much. Our family means everything to me."

"I'm not following," she states.

"And then, you made me leave. You said I had to make my flight, which is pretty ironic, because if I'd made it in time, I might be dead now. And, you know the _real_ reason that I missed my flight? When I exited security, I thought I saw you. But it turns out that I was just hallucinating, because, Meredith, you're _all _that's been on my mind today. And then I end up with a patient whose wife's name is Meredith? And you end up finding her? And their story...just happens to be very similar to what we're going through right now," Derek lays out the facts, still laughing. He watches as a wide smile forms on Meredith's face, and she bursts into laughter. They both share a marathon of laughs. The sound of her giggle brings tingles of warmth to his heart.

"It is pretty freaking weird, and if I believed in coincidences, I'd say coincidental." she admits. "Maybe the Universe _is _trying to tell us something." She pulls into General Parking at Seattle-Tacoma, where parking costs $3 an hour. She sighs. "Derek, what are we gonna do?" Her smile fades, and his does as well. He looks woefully into her now sad eyes.

"I don't know," he answers honestly. He takes her hand and strokes her knuckles. "But we'll figure it out."

He knows now that he can't force her to move to D.C. She's made her choice. Now he has one to make.

* * *

**A/N: I'm so terribly sorry that it's been so long since I've updated. I've been toying with a couple different routes for this story. As you can see, Derek isn't going to give up on D.C. so easily, because the reality is, I don't think he will. I'm desperately trying to keep him in character, so he does come off as a bit egotistical at times. He loves Meredith wholeheartedly, but his actions don't always reflect that. Also, Maggie's actions in this chapter were inspired by something Shonda said in an interview. I guess Maggie is going to take to Meredith like Meredith took to Lexie. **


	9. Chapter 9

Today is, apparently, Derek's lucky day - literally. His luggage and briefcase has fortunately been turned into the Lost and Found Information Desk at the airport. As he retrieves his items from the desk, Meredith stands nearby. Her arms are crossed together. She appears to be lost in contemplative thought. An austere expression plasters across her face. He shoots quick glances in her direction as he takes his briefcase and small carry-on bag from the lost and found attendant.

It doesn't take Derek going to the ticket office to learn that all out-going flights are postponed until further notice while the crash investigation for Flight 383 is still underway. He's not surprised to see this notice on the big flat screen on the wall. Airport security is tight, and until they know the exact cause of the crash, it is unsafe to put other lives in the air and risk endangering them. Safety is the number one priority for air travel.

He attempts to lock eyes with Meredith while walking toward her, but she refuses to look at him. She's looking away from him, seemingly avoiding him.

"Meredith," he says softly, but she still doesn't look at him. He realizes her eyes have taken a gander toward the large, glass windows, the same windows that he first witnessed debris from the crash. The actual crash site is not visible from this view, though debris still lingers in the air. Normally, from these windows, one can watch planes move around as they position themselves for the runway, but all the planes outside are currently at a standstill.

She shakes her head as he reaches out to touch her shoulder. The instant his fingers brush her shoulder, she pulls away.

"I can't," she says. He hears her voice rattle. "I can't do it." She still refuses to look at him. He can tell she is sobbing.

"Can't do what?" He does not know where she is going with this.

Then she turns toward him. Her cheeks are blotched with streams of tear stains. She shakes her head at him. "You have no idea how I felt," she hoarsely tells him. "I thought you were dead, Derek. Say it's me being dark and twisty or whatever, but I had every reason to believe you were on that plane, Derek. You were _supposed _to be on that plane, Derek."

She's right. Derek's heart burns. He was supposed to be on that plane.

* * *

She feels sick. Her stomach twists and turns as her eyes meet Derek. His perplexed face even makes her feel more frustrated. He's a neurosurgeon. He's not supposed to be so brainless. He's been playing this off like it's no big deal, like it doesn't mean something that he barely escaped death yet _again_, like it's funny or something. It's not funny. In fact, it's the opposite. It's horrifying. What's more horrifying is the fact that he seems to think that it's a choice to choose his career over his family. When did she become so unimportant to him? When did it become acceptable for him to break promises to her? This isn't the Derek she fell in love with.

"I know," Derek tells her. "What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? I did everything I was supposed to, Meredith. I had Richard call you. I didn't have access to a phone, and I had a man's life to save. I would have called you sooner, believe me, but there just wasn't time. You weren't here when the plane crashed. You didn't see the immediate panic! Even if I had my phone, I wouldn't have had time to call you."

"I get it," she snaps. "Believe me, I get it, Derek. That's not what I'm talking about! I'm talking about the fact that I had to go through that in the first place! And it's not going to go away. I'm always going to worry about you. I worry about you every freaking time you get on a plane and go to D.C. Because the reality is, Derek, _we were in a plane crash_. My sister and your best friend _died _in a plane crash."

He stares stupefied. "Okay, let me see if I can get this straight. You're worried I'm going to die in a plane crash, _yet _you want to stay here in Seattle and have me travel back and forth even more?" He scoffs. "You're not making logical sense, Meredith. Unless you're saying I need to quit this _once in a lifetime offer_ and stay in Seattle, which isn't what you were saying this morning! You were saying I should go and leave you here, which sure as hell doesn't align with what you're saying now!" His tone is rising. She can tell she's opened a can of worms. Luckily, few people are around, since the airport is closed.

She shakes her head. "I just want you to show a little compassion for what Amelia and I just went through. You keep laughing it off like it's funny, and it's not. It's not funny at all. You have no idea…"

"I have no idea what it feels like to think I'm never going to see you again?" Derek jeers, lifting his eyebrows. She instantly regrets her statement. "I pulled your still body, already in hypothermia, out of the water, Meredith! I held your lifeless body in my arms and administered CPR, hoping for any sign of life while the ambulance brought you to the hospital, I sat in the waiting room for hours, convinced that _you _were dead. But none of that mattered to _you_, because _you didn't swim_." His face drains of color as he recalls the dark memory of their past. His eyes glisten tearfully.

Her cheeks fluster. She figures she deserves to have that memory thrown in her face, but her heart is pounding fiercely and so vigorously in her chest. She breathes in thick, stale air to her lungs. "If we're gonna go there, Derek, I stood in front of a gunman for you while my best friend hand her hand inside your chest. Don't even…" She glares at him, tears stick to her face.

"I know," he responds harshly. "I'm just saying, don't say that I don't know what it feels like to feel like you've lost me, Meredith. We've both been there. We've both almost lost each other before, so you can't say that I don't know what it feels like. Because I do."

"I shouldn't have said that," she admits. "But I'm just so pissed at you, Derek. I just want to set things on fire right now. It shouldn't be a choice. Your family shouldn't be a choice."

"You're the one who's making me make a choice!" he spits. "I had it all laid out. I had you a job in D.C., I had a house, I had it all. I didn't ask for anything from you."

"But you did!" she slams. "You asked for me to eclipse my needs for your desires. I'm my own person, Derek. Independence is important to me. I'm supposed to be your equal, Derek, but you don't see me as your equal. I need to make a name for myself on my own. I know you want to help, but my friends are here in Seattle. My mom moved around a lot when I was a kid. Boston was just the start. Every hospital in the nation wanted my mom. We moved all over the U.S., and I hated it. I never had a home. I never had friends. I have all that now. I have all that here."

He freezes. "You never told me that you moved around. I just assumed that you spent most of your childhood in Boston."

"I spent kindergarten and my senior year in Boston," she tells him. "Otherwise, we were all over. Atlanta, Richmond, Philadelphia, all over. I never stayed in a city for more than a year, so definitely not long enough to make friends. I'd given up at forming long-term relationships by the time I was in my early teens."

He exhales. "That makes sense, I guess. But, Meredith, we're a partnership. The world doesn't revolve around you and your needs. What about what I need?"

"So, your job is more important than your family?" she asks flatly.

* * *

The question brings physical pain to every limb in Derek's body. He can't believe she's asking the question. "What kind of question is that?" he answers with a question.

"It's a pretty darn legit question, Derek," Meredith answers. "Because, gee, I don't know. You had _no _problem whatsoever breaking your promise to _me_. It apparently meant nothing, _but _breaking your promise to Callie was the end of the world. You made sure to make sure she had access to her stupid sensors, didn't you? It was your top priority, in fact, if I remember right."

"You did _not _just go there," Derek spits. "The promise I made to Callie was fixable, Meredith! It was a matter of making a few phone calls and making a few threats. It wasn't even that big of a deal…"

"A big enough deal to want to fix," Meredith says bitterly. "You had no desire to _fix _what you broke when you accepted the job with the NIH. Oh, have I ever mentioned that you didn't even _discuss _with me before telling the President yes? Huh? I don't remember ever having a voice, but hey, Callie gets a voice as to whether or not she gets her sensors. My voice apparently isn't relevant to you. I'm just the wife."

He is stunned. "It's not my fault that the President decided to call me in the middle of a deranged wedding ceremony. If he'd called me at another time…"

"If he'd called you at another time, you would have told him that you had to talk about it with your wife first?" she asks. He bites his lip. He remembers the President's phone call. Everything they're going through right now stems back to that, and he knows it. It had taken him by surprise. Maybe, just maybe, if Meredith had been standing right next to him, he would have consulted her. He can't know for sure. At that moment, she was standing at the front of a wedding ceremony, looking so gorgeous in that pink dress. The dress itself wasn't the best, at least he wouldn't have chosen it for her, but Meredith looks gorgeous in everything. She later admitted that she hated April's choice of bridesmaids' dresses. The wedding had gone down in shambles, anyway.

He wasn't thinking when he told the President yes. The President had called him on his personal cell phone. Who could say that? Not many neurosurgeons, for sure. The word 'yes' had slipped out of his mouth without any cognitive function.

"_I just want to thank you. This research is gonna take more than I thought. And I just want to thank you. I know you're turning down a lot of stuff." _

Irony at its worst inevitable moment. He remembers Meredith thanking him before the ceremony not long after he had said no to the NIH representatives requesting his assistance. Meredith didn't know that, though. He'd only briefly mentioned it to her, and he'd assured her that she had nothing to worry about, because he would say no. And he had.

Then the President of the United States had taken him off guard.

"Look, Meredith," he says. "You can say I'm being selfish about taking this job without your approval, but the same can be said about you. You don't consult me first with every decision you make in your career. Considering you're telling me less than a month before we were planning to move that you don't want to move. You could have told me much sooner."

"Could I have? I'm not so sure about that, because the result would have been the same." she tells him. "_And _I thought that's _exactly _what I was doing. We had an agreement. You would step down so I could focus on my career. I consulted you _before _taking on this research, and you were on board. There's nothing I haven't run past you first. Nothing."

"Sometimes plans change," Derek replies. "That's life. You adapt."

"I've never asked something so big from you, Derek. You're asking me to move across the country for your career. All I expected was support from you with the kids, so we can make this work."

"Support you'd have from me if we were in D.C. together," Derek shrugs.

"But I wouldn't have the additional support of the friends I trust! We're going in circles, Derek. I've made it clear. I'm not moving. I mean, if our patients today weren't any indication of why I shouldn't move, I don't know what is. Are you _that _blind to the metaphor?"

"I know," Derek says. "I know you're not moving, Meredith. You've made that clear."

"Then _why _are we still fighting over this?"

"Because clearly you're saying that if I decide to take this job anyway, which by the way you were pretty adamant about me still taking this morning, that I'm choosing my career over my family," Derek states.

"That was before the crash," she says. "Which apparently means nothing to you. The fact that you managed to escape a plane crash that could have killed you means nothing to you. The fact that you put your sister and wife through hell today means nothing…"

"I've never said that!" Derek barks. "Now, we're back to this subject again. And you want to talk about going in circles? I don't think we have anything left to argue over, Meredith. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. That's life."

"So, one of us has to make a sacrifice," Meredith snaps. "And I'm done sacrificing for you. I've sacrificed enough. Call me selfish or whatever, but I'm done, Derek. So, so done." She huffs and dashes off.

"Meredith!" Derek yells after her, but she continues walking swiftly away from him without looking back.

What the hell does she even mean? _I'm done, Derek. So, so done. _

He feels like he's losing her.

_No running... This is forever._

She's running from him now, and his legs feel like rocks are holding him in place as he stands in place and watches her vanish from sight.

* * *

**A/N: Shorter chapter, but I feel like this chapter had enough drama in it for 10 chapters. I kind of hate Derek in this chapter, but he has some valid points. I feel like that's what's going to happen when the show comes back too. It was stressful to write, so I'll just stop here. Much of this is influenced by today's MerDer scoop, and I have no intentions of showing a quick fix because no such fix exists. I think I'm going to take a longer-than-originally-planned route with this story. I think there's plenty to be told that probably won't get told on screen. This storyline is definitely a challenge to write, though, so reviews definitely keep me motivated so please take a moment to give me some feedback (including your speculations and hopes for season 11). **


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